Sunday morning GLORY!!!!

Julie; Does any of you’s still get ‘Sunday morning glory?’ Or is it just me still playing this mums and dads game!!!

Chrystal; NO, not at the minute, with my bump, the hubby is handling me like I’m made of glass!!

Billy; Don’t worry darling, we’ll have that baby out soon!

Julie; Yeah, we’ll have that baby moving soon chick… listen up, an get some tips…. Between the three of us we can get baby’s head engaged and ready for action!!

Chrystal; I hope so, Its getting really uncomfortable now!

Billy; Hang in there honey… not long to go.

Julie; Oh you know, what I loved it before the kids were born? It’s just not the same when the kids start to get mobile and move about. You run the risk of getting caught, especially me…..Can you imagine what my kids would do I they saw me spread out across the kitchen table in all my naked glory!

Chrystal; Your Josh would have a meltdown!

Julie; Oh I know.

Sara; Oh tell me about it! I’ve had some great times before the kids arrived and, when the twins were babies!

Billy; Ooh come on girls, lets hear it. I love hearing about your antics! Julie, you’re such a master at the love games.

Julie; I come up with loads. That’s the trick to a happy marriage. Role play and love GAMES! You have to take the ‘mums and dads’ thing to a new level! And, you don’t have to miss out on all the fun when the kids arrive either!! I love grown ups games! Who says we have to grow up!!

Chrystal; We know? I’m learning fast off you guys. I can’t wait till the baby arrives and I can get back to being a randy bugger again. It’s just not the same with a huge bump in the way.

Julie; Oh honey that shouldn’t stop you! You can still gets your kicks right up until the birth. In fact, a good bump and grind is what’s needed to get the waters to break and move the pregnancy on. My waters broke with my daughter when me and Matt were having sex on the toilet!

Sara; You were in the right place then!

Julie; Well in as many words, yes. Only, he couldn’t manage to plumb a stop cock for the baby water’s!

Sara; He already did!!!

Julie; Ha, I know. Anyhow’s, it didn’t quite explode over the toilet pan. Matt was sitting on the toilet with the lid down and I was facing the door….. We were rocking and banging away… well the bump was a bit too big to get it on face to face, so the position was ideal! Only problem was, we didn’t just break my waters, we broke the friggin toilet too! It went fucking everywhere, there was loads of splashing, an it wasn’t only baby waters! Can you believe that. Bloodyhell… the bathroom was floodedI just had the floor tiled an all!

Chrystal; Lucky that Matt’s a plumber!

Julie; Yeah. But this plumbing he defo couldn’t fix! The water soaked the bathroom floor!  Isn’t it ironic how a moment of passion turns a man into a complete sodding panic! Matt went into overdrive that day, I was on the phone ringing my mother to come and watch Josh! Told her to take her time, cos you know, I wasn’t getting any twinges or anything just yet. Matt, oh my god!!! He runs to turn off the stopcock, and I’m shouting after him. That’s not gonna block my waters baby!!!

Sara; Ha ha, I can picture the scenario. Your Matt hopping around like a looney in a right panic!

Julie; Oh yeah!! It was so funny because there I was, feeling calm and composed, no contractions at that point, and you know what its like when you turn up at the hospital, you wait bloody hours for the labour to progress. Matt on the other hand couldn’t stand still, leaping around like a hobbit on acid! He fixed the toilet while I sat in the bedroom and he kept calling out ‘just breathe babe, just like the midwife showed you! I’ll be there in a minute’ You could hear the panic in his voice. I was like, oh my frigging hero!! It was taking him ages to fix the bleedin toilet an all! Because he was bopping around all over the place. I goes to him, ‘hurry up and fix the toilet, I wanna run a bath, my back’s killing,’ He yelled back ‘What, you can’t have a bath, were going the hospital woman!!’ I said, yeah but it takes ages and they just pin you to the bed while you wait for the contractions to kick in. He came in the bedroom, sopping wet and looked at me where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing my back! honest to god he looked a right sight, I goes, ooh look at you, you look like you’ve had your head stuck between my legs and my pipes broke all over you! Clean up man or the midwife will look at you like you’re a right wierdo!

Girls all laugh together!

Julie; We made it to the hospital, and yes, I still had another eight hours of labour, but the memory of how my waters broke is a nostalgic one!

Chrystal; Ah, I hope my labour is memorable like that too.

Sara; It’ll definitely be memorable hun, regardless of how it comes about. You’ll never forget the pains of labour!

Sara; I once had Michael gagging for it one sunday morning. He went out the night before and I woke up thinking, Mm, I’m feeling frisky. So I ran my nails gently up his bare back, then I was softly blowing, over his shoulders, giving him soft butterfly kisses. Then, my hand slowly reaches round the front, I could hear him stirring and he gave a nice gentle moan. I thought, hey up, its working!! I put my hands down his boxer shorts and found the ‘gold’, it was getting warm and growing fatter as I held it in my hand. I remember thinking, yep, its definitely up for play!

Julie; Oh that’s why I like fireman, its the ‘hose thing,’ its just like Matts!! Fills up as soon as you get a firm grip!

Sara; Well, Michael then flops onto his back and opens his left sleepy eye, saying ‘mmm, morning babe!’ So at this point, I know I’ve got his attention, clearly, as the ole boy downstairs is standing up to attention, making a pyramid shape out of the duvet! Then I ask him ‘babe, are you hungry! Cos I’m starving! His eyes flick wide open an he goes ‘yeah, I got an appetite on me.’ So I goes, ok, I’ll go and get the honey and then you can watch me squeeze it as it drips over my erect tongue, falling onto your chest and the whipped cream, sprayed over both my nipples!!  we can make the sheets nice and dirty!! His eyes go all horny, so I sidle out at the edge of my side of the bed. I grab my shirt, because at this point, my rear bumper is out gettin air! I keep the top open, and of course, my ass is in FULL VIEW! I sashay, giving the rear load a good shake, an off I go, out the bedroom and wander downstairs. Only, I wasn’t in any rush at this point? So I start making myself breakfast and putting the kettle on for a cuppa. Michael on the other hand is getting worried and calls out for me. I goes yeah, coming up now babe.. he soon learns I’m teasing him? I start to fill up the sink with washing up liquid I can hear him calling me again from the top of the stairs, ‘Babe you got the cream,’ he yells. Well he’s the one with the cream but anyway, I keep up the game and say, yeah, babe, be right there. So he goes back to bed and waits – in vain!! I have myself a slice of toast and he can obviously smell it, which then brings him downstairs! He stands in the doorway staring at me at the sink, where I’m washing up with my pink marigolds on… I turn to look at him and there he is, naked with a full on, rock solid hard on!

Julie; Aah, he was pleased to see you!

Sara; I know, within seconds of me turning to look at him he must of seen through me as I smirked. I was about to say, do you want me to get you a wet flannel when he came rushing over, bent me forward over the sink and gave me a right good servicing!! … oh It was lovely!

Billy; Ooh I like your style sista!

Chrystal; Oh don’t, It’s making me jealous! Can’t wait till bump arrives and I can finally start playing mums and dads!

Julie; Not long honey, not long. Besides, you could always have a go on the toilet like I did!

Chrystal; Gonna try that tomorrow!

Julie; No, do it tonight!

Billy; I used to have some horny moments on the Sunday morning too. It was actually when the babies were small that the danger started to have a more erotic effect.

When they were still in their cot, I would make them a bottle, change their nappy and then put a few toys in the cot! On one occasion, I ended up with a split lip?

Juile; No? OMG it wasn’t from him getting too heavy handed with you!

Billy; Oh no, it was where the passion went a bit rough! I was on all fours, and he was behind me…… Well, the bed was wooden and well, I tell you girls, this was one of those moments that I’ll never forget. I should of known better really, as it was from Ikea! Anyway, there we were banging away, and the headboard, smacking against the wall. We must of been of been going at it, because the pressure made the cracks in the ceiling, where we had a hole, vibrate to the rhythm of our passionate bump and grind! Then out of nowhere, a clump of plaster falls down between the crack of my ass and on the thrusts of Gav’s fully erect member, poking in and out of my juicy wet lips. We were both lost in the moment, as you are in the heightened state of pleasure…. and, along came a burst of pain. The insulation must of dropped onto him mid thrust, and wow, the fucking BURN…. Jeez, that seared into me was phenomenal!! ugh it stung like a bitch, and Gav started wailing like a banshee! Oh my god, you’d of thought he’d broke his neck his way he yelped, blowing onto his crown jewels!

Julie; Aw, I can just imagine that!

Sara; Ouch. How did you get relief!

Billy; I ran a bath straight away, soaked my precious lady jewels in cool water! It didn’t cool off for the rest of the day. After I had my bath, I sat for the rest of the day in front of a fan, trying to cool it down! It was like I had a bad dose of thrush…. The pain!

Sara; D’you hear that Chrystal, thrush, have you had it yet with baby bump!!

Chrystal; Yeah, I had it, but not that bad by the sound of it!

Julie; Yeah, but was it worth it Billy!

Billy; On this occasion, NO. But the memory and the burning pain, will stay with me forever!

Julie; Should of called the fire squad! I would, ha ha!

Chrystal; So how long do I have to wait until I can play mums and dads for real, after the baby’s born!

Sara; Whenever you’re ready chick. I held off for about three weeks, and that was only because I was too knackered to get the energy needed to enjoy it! I was on double feeds you see!

Julie; But you had twins hun, I reckon you did well to get it going again after three weeks. I was about seven days after Alfie, but after Lilli, it was almost two weeks, and that was because of the stitches. I had seventeen internal and external stitches. Fuck me did that sting!!! Sat on a rubber ring for two days, it bloody burnt like a fire down there! I should of thought of the fan idea like that Billy!

Billy; After a section they said I should wait at least four weeks,  but like Sara, I was back in action after about eight days!

Chrystal; Oh right ok… my midwife says you should wait at least six weeks.

Sara; Don’t listen to her. You get your stride on when your ready babe!

Julie; No honey, that’s what you tell the ole man. Between you and me, you get back into it when you’re ready! Don’t let the rules put you off!!! Just make sure you protect yourself, or else you’ll be back with another one in the oven!! You’re highly fertile during the six weeks after birth!

Sara; I reckon it lasts longer than six weeks, the fertile part….. So be careful, get covered as soon as you can. Even the pill isn’t effective until its had four weeks to embed back into your body.

Julie; Trust nothing! Even saying No didn’t work for me. I still got bloody caught!

Billy; Yeah Sara’s right. Just keep protected and you’ll get to enjoy the baby. Use all the rules to your advantage. If the hubby’s got you wrapped up in cotton wool now, after the baby, they go On my way or the other!  He might get worse, you know all paranoid that baby can see it al? Stupid sod! You know what men are like around blood, If he’s squeamish, it’s a no, you could be waiting a bit longer than six weeks?

Julie; Is he squeamish Chrystal, your ole man?

Chrystal; No.

Sara; Ah that’s good.

Julie; Oh you’ll be alright. When I had my third, Matt was no longer a learner, he was a professional at being a new dad. Cheeky bastard asked for a blow job two days after Annabell was born! He got more than the eyeball of death for even requesting such a task. He was bloody lucky I didn’t swing for him!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bad Ass Mama’s Rocking the show!

Bad ass mama confessions! Ain’t no halo’s in this episode?

Julie: Confessions. Ooh come on now girls, let’s have a confession, let’s get those bad guilty memories out in the open now. Celebrate our darkness with a bit of Vino! Billy, you go first.

Billy; Well, when my lad was in secondary school, he had a confrontation with another lad. Who called me a whore! So, as boys do, he reacted and bust his nose open! I was called up the school and had to go through the motions with the head teacher and the other boy’s parent! Oh it was so embarrassing, yet I couldn’t find it in myself to bollock him, because, well. He was the only boy who had ever stuck up for me! In the back of my mind I thought, wow, he’s twelve and he defended me. I love him…. I loved my boy so much for what he did. I couldn’t ground him because deep down I knew what he had done was right, yet the school didn’t agree and wanted to expel him! Well, that was what broke the straw for me. Oh wow, I marched in and went toe to toe with the head teacher! He started blarting on about how violence in the school was wrong and that they had a zero tolerance to violence, for punishment he felt the appropriate sanction was to expel my son. Pfft, that’s when the lioness came out and roared….  I let him speak first, and kept my cool, you know me, I don’t do violence! Then it came my turn and I goes – so, you have a zero tolerance to violence, but Mr Hurst, you also have a very shallow and short memory! Does this standard only apply to the kids in this school or does it apply to everyone, because if my memory serves me correctly, it was what, a couple of months ago that YOUR STAFF MEMBER, took a strike at MY BOY!!!! The head teachers face went white!

Sara; Did you give him the eyeball look too!

Billy; Damn bloody right I did… I went to town on him! Then I goes, so what kind of standard’s are YOU TEACHING in this joint. Not only have you insinuated that my son is a violent boy, when in fact he was merely honouring his own mother from despicable slurs that are absolutely not true, but also that he happens to be twelve years old! I have taught my boy how to respect a woman, yet your staff are the one’s striking the children!!!

Julie; No, did he… did a teacher do that!

Billy; Yeah!

Julie; Ooh go on girlfriend, tell me more!

Billy; So  I goes… Mr Hurst, I ask you, how do we resolve this issue! Correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t it was myself that said NO to pressing charges for your ABUSE against my CHILD, and now, you’re passing the blame onto my son!! Shall we take this to court!!! And let the judge the Jury  decide your fate! Evidently, its your school teaching the violent culture here, as you took the first strike.

Sara; No. Oh my god, I think I need brandy for this one!

Julie; Yeah and me!

Billy; I went to town on him girls. I still hadn’t let it go that the teacher struck him. you know when you’re contemplating it and thinking, Well he can be a little shit, but I’m glad I waited it out!

Julie; That’s it, you gotta choose your battles wisely these days!

I can already see the outcome, don’t you? This place will be closed down and you’re reputation as a head teacher will be destroyed! Is this what you want!!! He was speechless…. I picked up my coat and bag, started marching out of the office,  I turned round and said.. So I’ll be hearing no more about how much of a handful my boy is from now on, are we clear Mr Hurst. He couldn’t speak, he just about managed to nod and shake his bloody head.  I adjusted my crown and marched out the office with the bastards bollocks firmly in my hand. Fucking cheeky prick! And, I did all of this without raising my voice or raising my hand!

Julie; Oh my god… you bad ass mama! I friggin love you!

Chrystal; Oh wow. That’s real girl power there…I can’t beat that!

Sara; Chrystal. course you can’t… You haven’t had the bloody baby yet!

Chrystal; I know, I know. I just don’t think I could ever top that! What did you say to your son?

Billy; Well, he got a new play station game and I gave him a big kiss! It think it must of been the Irish bit coming out of me…. You know….. Not My BOY, d’ya hear!!

Julie; Ha, love it!

Sara; I think I can. Only mine was a bit more on the dangerous side, and, I didn’t get caught. Julie, top up your glass you’re gonna love this one!

Julie; Topping up the vino…Go on Sara, let’s hear it.

Sara; Well, when I was at school, me and my friends had this motto going that if you didn’t lose your virginity at sixteen, it wasn’t fun after that because it was legal! I think I was starting to panic because my sixteenth birthday was fast approaching and I was thinking, at the time, that I would miss out on the fun part! So I had a boyfriend, and thought, no I wanna be bad and do it while its illegal! So me and  Oliver, he was my beau at the time, we were passing the local church! I had this sudden burst of passion. I saw the church and thought – ooh, what about the confession box! So, in my monent of stupidity, I managed to convince Oliver that we could get it on in the confession box. You know what boys are like at that age, they’re up for anything. Especially the catholic ones!

So we went in, the place was deathly quiet, like tumbleweed drifting across the pews. It was eerie, which made it all the more ‘exciting!’ Anyhow, we sneaked into the confession box and things got a bit hot. As they do…. we were having a bit of tonsil hockey and the fumbling started going…. and then, in came the bloody priest. I was halfway through giving Oliver a blow job when the window flicked open, I froze in horror, would of thought that Olly’s dick would of gone limp, but NO!. He motioned me to carry on!!!! I was like, oh shit but ok then! I got so excited at the fact that the priest was listening to Olly’s false confession and watching him try and answer the priest without giving himself away, oh it was funny seeing him stutter and stumble… then, as soon as the priest shut the curtain, we ushered out an raced round the back of the church, where, I lost my innocence!! Oliver and I were both hot and sweaty, shivering with excitement and anticipation, after loads of urgent fumbling, I ended up bending over the gravestone of the lovely Mavis and George Crabb!!! It was so exciting and dangerous, but it made the first time a really memorable one!

Julie; Oh wow, I like that one, think I’ll try that with Matt! Hold on a minute girls….. MATT…MATT, how many beers you HAD!!

Inaudible….

(Julie goes off of screen and into the lounge to speak to Matt.) How many beers you had? three?… Well start drinking coffee, I want to go to the grave site and visit your mum?.. What? You hated my mother?  Don’t be like that, anyway,  I want to make amends, go grab some daffodils out the garden, were going to the grave? Ok love, whatever you say.. we’ll go tomorrow? NO, were going tonight, get the coffee on and get drinking it, I’m being really considerate here…I don’t want you to lose your license? Well if you gave a shit about my license you’d wait till the bloody morning!… Will you stop answering back and do as your told…. I’ll even put on the Red PVC thigh boots, you know the ones that have to be held up by the suspender belt! Mmmhmm!!! I can’t wear them in the morning can I hmm!!! I’ll play the nun and you can be the vicar! Now get the kettle on!

Julie returns to the screen, perches on her chair, leans forward to whisper to the microphone….Oh I love that man when he does as he’s told!!…..  Gee, I’ve never seen him move so bloody fast!! The beers been poured down the sink, and he’s putting the kettle on.

Carry on girls.

Chrystal; I remember my first time too, although it wasn’t as exciting as what any of your dirty lot have shared, it was in my house and, yes, I got caught!

Sara; Go om spill the secret!

Chrystal; Ok, well his name was Francis, we’d been seeing each other for about six months and, well one night, my parents both went out to watch my sister in her school play. Me and Francis were in my room, getting sweaty under the duvet. We had attempted it once before but it didn’t quite happen, so we agreed to just kiss and fumble under the covers until the moment was gonna happen. And… well, it did…. Me an Francis got frisky and fruity, and he was like ‘can we, can we, I really want to. I was like, yeah lets do it, come on! We started pulling off the clothes as the passion started rising, getting into it, it was really quite dignified. Then, as he was thrusting away, I heard the door slam. We stopped mid flow and were like, oh shit, suddenly my sister burst into the room as Francis was on top, mid thrust. It totally killed the moment he went beetroot!

Julie; Did you get to finish what you started?

Chrystal; NO!!! Francis was really embarrassed, as soon as my sister left the room, he went all floppy!!

Sara; Oh that’s still a really memorable first time though!

Julie; Well as I often share a lot about my sex life, I’ve got an alternative confession to make! It was on the ward, and you know how I like the fireman. Well, we had a fire assessment one time at the hospital, I was coming in from my morning ciggy break and, wham, I was blessed to see this wonderful, delightful explosion of red. That BIG RED truck completely distracted me! Girls, as you know my thing for the red trucks…. pfft, I was gone!!!

Anyway, I smiled and fluttered my lashes, as I do whenever theirs some hot testosterone lurking around the building. Then, I swaggered into the building. At this hospital, we had glass walls and the corridors were looonng, like a catwalk, so the firemen could see everything, which I was aware of! So, as I opened the double doors to the corridor and made my theatrical entrance, I shimmied down the mile like it was my catwalk. I started swinging my hips, sashaying down like I owned the place…. I didn’t care if anybody could see me, I was totally in the moment, getting my vibe on. I was swinging these childbearing hips left and right, left and right, talking to myself in my head. ‘Unleash the  tiger Ju, go on, get em, get em. Swing them god damn hips and give it all you got. bitch you gonna nail this, now go, go, go! swing it bitch, swing it‘ I took my time as I swanked off  down the mile, not a care in the world! Yeah, Julie kid, you got this, you’re nailing this motherf*’%’er. Get your stride on bitch, work it work it! Oh, I tell ya, I was I’m my element!!! I stopped at the end of the mile for a sneaky look again! I wanted to get up close to the window and salivate at em, then I realised if I started lickin the window.. I might get sectioned!!

Sara; At least you were in the right place?

Julie; I know, that’s when I came to my senses a bit. I thought, better not, I could end up in the empty cell!!! So  anyway, I kept my cool and let my imagination wander for a few minutes? I started drifting off and imagined I was outside in the middle of a fire, stark bollock naked. Surrounded by the passion of fire, burning the ground around me…. Oh fire… there was one that caught my eye, he had black hair, and all the oomph. Well, my imagination went into a overdrive then! I was gone…. There we were, me and the hunk with black hair, oh yes, in the middle of the car park, cars going up in smoke around us, banging and booming, and I didn’t give a flying f**k, we were getting in on having mad, passionate….. fiery…. erotic…. ‘ugh’mazing sex in the middle of the car park! Oh I tell ya girls, I was on cloud 10….. 110, oh whatever, I was letting myself go you know!! I just wanted to lick him all over and taste every inch of him. I had my back to the wall, slamming my hands on it like Sally did in that film with Harry. I was GONE GONE GONE!!!! Oh, to smell his uniform, (sniff) Mmmm…. Oh, and the scent, oh the scent, the scent invaded my nose…. I was getting all my senses into it….the smell of fire… of all those burning buildings he had heroically been into, and saved all the poor little cats from burning to death! He’s such a hero!

Sara; Did you call Matt for midday quickie?

Julie; Sara, I was really in my moment then… anyway, I would have…. but…… Oh my god did I enjoy the fireman that day…. my passion was ruined… oh did I pay the price for it too!!!

Billy; Did Matt know!

Julie; Oh he got the best bit when I got home, until then, I was living this one in my head and holding it, til I got Matt in the garage when he got home!!

Anyway.. Then, I made it back onto the ward. I was so distracted that I forgot my usual routine of putting my alarm on. And, as luck would have it, the ward was on lock down, so I should of been more careful, but you know me and yellow PVC!! anyway, I buzzed the nurses and was let through security. I walked in and as I looked over through the glass at the nursing station, a few of the male nurses  looked up, two of the blokes smiled and I thought, mm, thats strange but thought nothing else to it! I walked past the nursing station and into the clinic. I was a bit obsessed at this point and probably worried that I might of missed something. I went round asking everyone why they were here and did I miss registering on a training event? Anyway, as luck would have it, I still forgot to put my personal alarm on. I’m a stupid cow sometimes, it was absolutely the wrong day to for a cock up like this, but hey, shit happens? So I went, and sauntered onto my ward!

Billy; You were really looking for the fireman weren’t you!!

Julie; Oh billy, how did you know! Lol…. Anyway, I didn’t see them again and on my way back to the clinic, I had to go back through the ward again, only this time, the other door at the side, wasn’t on lock down, but did have a warning up saying to be vigilant and alert!! I could see the patient that was on high risk of absconding through the  window on the second set of doors, that weren’t locked. She was on one to one, so had a staff member with her and I thought, oh its ok, I can get in without any issues here, ther’s a nurse with her! So as I opened the security door, out she came, like a fucking bullet, bam, she wizzed past me. Honest to god i never seen abyone move so fast. Even my kid don’t move that quick when I’m on homronal rampage! She flew out past me, through the security doors, I thought Oh hsit, here we go, julie you silly cow, you’ve, anyway I gave chase, and all my MAPPA training went out the window! shit did I do everything wrong that day. I managed to grab her wrist, something your not supposed to do!! And tried to hold her back, to stop her running off. Then I let go, as I realised I was putting myself, and the nurse at risk. The nurse shouts at me ‘pull the pit, pull the pit,’ I on the other hand felt completely stupid because – I wasn’t wearing it!!!! Oh my god, was it a fiasco that day! This patient practically had the whole hospital chasing after her. Luckily, she didn’t get very far…. I, on the other hand felt a right idiot! Security were both smiling at me, it was one of those moments where you think you’ve got your skirt tucked in your knickers kind of days. You know what I mean!

Chrystal; Yeah, I’ve had days like that too! Did you get her back on the ward.

Julie; Well yes, serenity on the ward was eventually restored, I on the other hand felt like a right dizzy stupid shit. I had to go round the whole hospital ward staff, apologising and sucking up to everyone for causing such a commotion. All the staff were ok about it, strangely enough! I was ever more paranoid and was starting to convince myself that my skirt was definitely tucked into my knickers. everyone kept looking at me with a funny stare, and weirdly enough, no-one on the ward was upset with me at all? They all took my calamity with great humour, funnily enough. It was only the next day when the security guard mentioned that he enjoyed my little swanning and sashaying down the ward corridor yesterday that the penny dropped. He asked me if they would be getting another show today!! Cheeky fucker!! I went beetroot red. I completely forgot about the friggin camera’s in the building….. oh mu god in my moment of flirtin!. That was why the two nurses smiled at me as I walked onto the ward!

Billy; Oh that’s just typically you!

Julie; I know! hang on a minute girls…..MATT…MATT… HOW MANY COFFEE’S YOU HAD!! Sorry girls let me turn the mic down while I wake up the ole man! Matt… MATT… Go warm the car up… I’m nearly ready!

Chrystal; Oh my god! And you still had to face everyone again!

Julie; Yeah, well, every cloud has its silver lining….. I used to park in the overflow car park like half a mile away from the hospital building, and it took like, then minutes to get from the car to the clinic… My gaffer was always clock watching me sayin, ‘oh Julie your late again,’ and give me that scowling look, you know when they peer over their glasses like a head teacher! I used to go, ‘no I’m not, I was here ten minutes ago, I got held up trying to find a car parking spot’… Well, for being such great entertainment, the security guards gave me a parking spot at the front of the building everyday!!! I was never late again!

 

 

 

 

Ain’t Kids Smart?

Julie; I went into Woolworths with my two daughters, the youngest was on my hip six months old and the other daughter was two. This particular shop had the sweet counter on display as you walked through the doors! A clever sales tactic to the shop and a dreadful one for every parent! Because tantrums tend to follow the word No, and every parents who has small children dreads this type of shopping visit? I know I did!

I let my two year old pick her selection of sweets, as I found what I wanted and we went to pay at the checkout. There was a small queue, my girls were really well behaved and adoring, women in the line were cooing over the babe on the hip in the line.
It was my turn to pay and leave, so the cashier added my items and then i turned to look down at the little two foot person beneath me, ‘give the lady your bag,’ I asked my Lilli, who looked at me like I’d just waved a red flag infront of a bull. The look of scorn was scary, so I asked my two year old again, i softened my tone and asked her to give the lady her bag of sweets!

This cute little two year old girl folded her arms scornfully and firmly replied ‘NO!’
I felt like a goldfish in a bowl when I looked down the line of people in the queue, the row of impatience emitting in their faces. I knew at this point the audience were watching everything I was doing, and, judging me accordingly! I was about to be challenged by a two year old and a spectacular toddler meltdown.

I had to think quickly, so I sat baby on the counter and asked the cashier to hold her for me, while I wrestled the bag of sweets from my daughters tight fist!
I started really gently, trying to wriggle the bag from both her hands which were clamped tightly around her prized treasure. ‘I just got to give the lady the bag,’ I said, passing the bag to the cashier to weigh.

I looked down at my Lilli, well, she looked like she was about to explode! ‘Its ok, you can have them back in a minute,’ I said, trying really hard to keep the situation under control. Both the cashier and myself were talking to her explaining what was happening. ‘The lady wants to weigh them.’

In that instance my darling little cherub went from sweet and innocent to the worst horror on the planet. Steam was coming out of her nose as she looked up at me with those eyeballs looking north. I handed her back the bag of sweets, ‘see she gave them you back, the lady needed to weigh them that’s all.’ I reasoned with her, but it didn’t shake off her unhappy frown. Instead, she screeched at the top of her lungs ‘I DIDN’T WANT TO PAY FOR THEM!’

Honestly, the glass in the windows ricocheted to this booming screech of a voice…..my daughter was THAT LOUD! The whole shop heard us! I died right there on the spot! Mortified…. Horrified…….Embarrassed didn’t quite cut it….. My face turned a delightful crimson shade and for once, I was speechless.
I cuddled up to my Annabell, burying my head into her neck. I honestly didn’t know what to do?

Sara; I bet you would of rather of been caught in the act of passion!

Julie; Yeah, I would. Even if it was a copper. Oh that reminds me of another time my passion got the better of us both! Anyway, that’s another story. The cashiers lovely mumsy voice spoke up ‘I know sweetheart, Nor do we sweetheart, but we have to!’
The relief I felt at her words, I just looked at her with defeated eyes, then she smiled at me, a knowing parent smile. It helped drain the bright red colour out of my face!
I took my change and went to leave the shop, I reached down to take hold of my daughters hand and she refused, keeping her arms tightly crossed, guarding her sweets!

Chrystal; Aw, I love it when the kids say something so honest. It reminds me of a girl in the class who once stood up to ask one of those awkward questions that you just don’t have the answer to.

Julie; Well, we got to the car and she turned her nose up into the air. I looked at her through the wing mirror and I was speechless. I turned round to see my sweet little Lille, staring tight lipped out the window, I finally muttered, ‘where did that voice come from? You never wailed that loud for a bloddy night feed. In fact, I had to set the alarm clock to wake you! She gave me one of those little girl snarls, tight tense lips and slanted eye, look. She goes, ‘I DIDN’T WANT TO PAY FOR THEM.. WHY DID YOU PAY FOR THEM!’ She shouts and scowls at me.

All I could say was sorry, but I had to or else the policeman would have arrested me if I didn’t. She didn’t understand and I re-adjusted my glasses, turning on the ignition I thought – Oh my god, I’ve cloned myself!!

Sara; Yep…. I wish I had a daughter!

Julie; Oh you’ve got the same thing going on your you’re terrible twins. Duality in development! You can either sit under a tree with Mark or get your devilish side out with Luke!

Chrystal; Well one of the kids was talking about their weekend about their events in morning time. And well, this one young girl stood up and asked him a question. She goes ‘If god’s house is a church, and people go to church to pray. Why doesn’t god open his doors for all people? Or is it just people who will give the church money! I asked her what she meant. She asks so innocently, well if we are all gods people, then why is the church closed when there is so many people without a home? Why does god only welcome people who give his house money but doesn’t welcome people who don’t have money or a home, or somewhere to stay at night? I was dumbstruck at her intelligence and totally powerless how to answer her! I just said that maybe that church who does ask for money isn’t a real church or a real house of god! She accepted my answer, but you could just see her little face in concentration, thinking about my answer!

Sara; she’s got a point though hasn’t she! If the church is a house of god, why is there such a think as homelessness!

Chrystal; I was on break duty. And I was out of sight, but I could hear the two of them talking. One little boy called Johnny, said to Jenny, ‘can I play with you!’ And she says, ‘yes ok. What about Harry, is he coming to play too?’ Then little Johnny said, ‘No. he’s poorly, he’s got circumfrishion!’ Little Jenny queries ‘What’s circumfrishion?’ Then Johnny says, ‘Oh it’s just a poorly tummy.’ Jenny then asks, ‘well what she we play!’ Johnny replies, ‘what about cops and robbers? Jenny scowls at him and says, ‘no, I don’t want to play that. ‘Shall we play mums and dads?’

Sara; Oh dear lord no. Not at five years old, please tell me they didn’t?

Billy and Julie giggle!

Chrystal; No, not quite, but….  Johnny scrunches his nose and  slurs ‘No!’  He looks like he’s going to sulk and Jenny doesn’t buy it. She then says, ‘Why don’t we play doctors and nurses. Then we can all play together.. You can be doctor, I can be the nurse and we can make Harry better!’ Well, as soon as Jenny said she wanted to include all three, Johnny took a strop and said, ‘No I don’t want to play with Harry, I want to play with just you!’ Jenny had other idea’s. She gets up and starts to walk off, turning on her heel she bellows at the top of her voice, ‘Well I’m going in to play nurses and patient with Harry cos he’s poorly and I can make him better for real…… I might kiss it better!’ …. I sputtered on my coffee and watched little Jenny march into the home corner to find Harry!!

Julie; I love it, the innocence of children… I play that game all the time too with Matt. He loves my tunic!

Sara; I’m a cops and robber fan myself!

Julie; Which one do you play?

Sara; The robber. Michael is really theatrical when in role play. He’s a great cop, he gets really serious too. I love the uniform and the tools of the trade! Get’s me worked up and frisky!

Julie; Fireman does it for me every time! Matt really suits those yellow PVC trousers! It’s ironic that when you lay the old man’s crown jewels along your palm, it works in exactly the same way as the water that explodes though the pipe of the fire hose!!

Chrystal; School girl and teacher is my thing! I get to change roles from my job.

Billy; Sweaty overalls do it for me! It’s the smell of oil, the pheromones hit the nose and bang, it all goes into action! Says a man’s had a hard day and i get to spoil him!

Julie; I play em all, I love any role play. Must admit, my favourite games are the ones with boots!

 

 

 

 

 

The Journey Begins; Lets talk about Sex!!

Episode one; Lets talk about SEX!!!

Sara: Oh my god, what I bloody day its been today!  I’m going insane… I swear I’m going to end up in the bed next to Louise tomorrow!!!!!

Julie: What’s happened? What, what’s happened!!

Sara: Well, Jo was wanking off Geri in the disabled toilets, I stepped in and stopped their little rendezvous, Geri says, oh Sara don’t be mean, he says he’s gonna give me a fiver so I can buy a four pack of tinnies? I told he she was selling herself short, she should of insisted on a bottle of vodka! Then Harry kept perseverating and beckoning me to help him call out the gremlins hiding behind the plaster board, to come out to play. If he’d of asked me that before I had to separate the two lovers, I’d would have obliged!  But no, the day just got worse and bloody worse. Then, James the Russian professor was still organising all his papers, his drawings are now taking the shape of a rocket or something like that and he got pissed cos he thought I had taken two of them and hid them in the underground vault!!! And then there was Alice, she kept following me around, clinging to me saying sing with me, I had to position her on the chair and close the door to the quiet lounge as I sneaked away, I left her brushing her hair and swaying back and forth, singing rule Britannia! Honestly, it’s been a mad bloody day. Then I come home to even more madness! The family and the friggin kids!!!!! Argh I wanted to scream before I took my bloody coat off, honestly my kids are driving me crazy, I’m gonna end up in the hospital too!

Julie: It’s ok sweetie, I’ve had days like that too!

Sara: Sometimes I just wanna kill the bloody kids!  They leave their cups out on the side, I can always find a sweet or crisp wrapper loitering on the floor or tucked, neatly down the cracks of the bloody cushions. The bathroom always has a bit of toothpaste stuck on the sink –and oh my god, ‘it wasn’t me’ is all I bloody hear these days!
The washing bin never shrinks, no matter how many wash loads I do every day, the dishwasher is always friggin full. The cat litters sprayed around the kitchen and the feckin curtain rail is lob sided. Honestly, I’m looking around thinking, which one should I start on first!!!

Julie: Start on the wine babe! I am.

Sara: Do you think the wine is going to get any of this shit done!

Billy: No, but it’ll certainly help as you sit back and say- fuck it! Hey, it’s the best medicine to stop any mother from causing serious bodily harm to their darling little brat! It certainly helped me, many many times. Drink up and kick back hun! You can’t say that too loud these days, the nanny squad will be knocking your door, ripping your kids out your arms cos you’ve had a bad day at work and your drinking a glass of wine. It screams alcoholic mother to the nanny squad! It’s a school night too! Go on sista, be a bad ass mama and sink that wine!

Sara: What about you, what’s your week been like?

Julie: Oh you know me, always playing games on the hubby. He was out at work on Tuesday and he had an early finish, so I thought, ooh, what a good time for ‘play!’ you know, Mums and Dads play!!

Yeah, well he was finishing work early and I had my hair done at the hairdressers, so I was in the zone for a bit of ‘let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on’. You know how it is after the stylist has had a tweeze and tease over your scalp. My hairdressers magical hands, I love the way he massaged my head. Sends all those tingles dripping down my body, renders me stupid. So I thought, ooh, the hubby has a short day, let’s have a bit of mums and dads time! I even got the mother in law to pick up the kids! Everything was going to plan, and then he text to say he’s going golf!!! Arrgh, I was pissed I tell you. I was pacing up and down yelling, NO, NO, NO! So I stopped pacing and then thought, right, how do I get my own way and take him away from his golf clubs!

Chrystal; When a girl wants servicing, their aint no stopping the lengths she’ll go huh!!

Billy: Oh I know the feeling, my hairdresser’s gay, and he’s brill, he really takes his time on me! Anyway, what did ya do?

Julie: I started off with a text letter, then I got right down to the crunch about it, here, I’ll read to you’s what I text. This was the first part!

Dear darling, I wanted to remind you of our plans for our special play time. Your mother is picking up the kids, which is a bonus, and the dinner is cooking slowly!

I’m wearing your favourite PVC thigh boots and my nursing tunic again. Mmhmm, I know it makes you tingle in all the right places!!

Marvin Gaye is playing on the stereo, it’s just getting me in the mood for dinner, I’ve made beef wellington – your favourite, with medallion potatoes! Aha yes you love the way the cream sauce, just drizzles over the top and down the edges of that fine loin of  a piece of steak! Like water trickling down the side of a waterfall, the way it just drips each single drop onto the plate. The red wine, is now open and breathing nicely!

Desert is fresh cream just oozing out at the sides, filled profiteroles, with warm dark chocolate, with a hint of hazelnut spice. I know you love the spicy part!

As you know by now. Im not wearing anything underneath, just my silky smooth legs read to wrap nicely around your back once I straddle over your thick muscular thighs. Mmm, at the moment I’m still contemplating whether to sit here with my feet on the table or whether to answer the door when your car pulls up. And greet you with a wink and a smile. At least then I can slowly swing my hips as you follow me into the candlelit dining room. Tempt you with a shake of this goddess ass!

Mama’s in the mood the play with papa! The question is papa ready to play!

Then right, the cheeky fucker texts back and says, oh baby, turn the heat down on the dinner, I’ll be at least two hours later, I’m gonna have a few beers with the lads.

So I thought right, you piece of shit, two can play that game!

I sweetly replied – Remember our first wedding anniversary, and I came out of the bathroom wearing that PVC coat, I straddled you as you sat on the chair, tied your hands behind your back with your belt and I blew soft kisses over your face and chest, ripped open your shirt and you were just too gagging for it to wait for more, you leapt up and fucked me hard against the wall. Oh yes, I can remember it like yesterday! Wow, they were the days. hey! This time, you’re gonna sit down at the seat at the top of the table, I’m already positioned at the side, and I’m gonna take your tie off, then I’m gonna straddle you again, where my leg will swing over and straddle you. Now, This is what I want you to do. I want you to reach round my back, swipe the table with a heroic quick sweep of your arm, throw me up on the table, as the plates and cutlery clang and crash,  smashing on the floor and you’re gonna bang me like a BLOODY MAN!!!!!
PS; Honey, don’t forget the milkman is calling at four and I haven’t picked up my glasses from the opticians yet! He’s got a goatee beard like yours too, and you know I’m practically blind without my glasses, so please don’t be mad if I get it wrong!’

He text back within seconds and said, ‘you’re in luck sweetheart, the lads have cancelled, I’m on my way! He’s was back like a shot?

Sara; I’m pissing myself laughing here, that’s a classic line. I’m gonna try that one.
Julie; It’s the way you play it. Well it works hun, it worked for me anyway.

Chrystal; You really do put Matt through the motions!

Julie; Oh the games I play on that man. Well you gotta have a bit of friction in a marriage to gets the juices flowing add the spice, after all, isn’t that what we girls are made of.

Anyway, it’s what all the mums and dads play! I call it grown up recess!!

Chrystal; it reminds me of a young girl in my class. Someone mentioned the topic of god and praying. Well, this young innocent little cherub answered back. ‘My mum prays to my dad! At this point I was like, what! So I pried a little bit with all the gentleness that I could, and asked what she meant. Oh my god was I totally gobsmacked at her reply.  She continued and goes, ‘well I went downstairs to ask my mum for a drink and she was in front of my dad, praying. My dad was rolling his eyes and saying oh yes. Because she was praying I didn’t want to disturb her so I went back up to bed and got a drink from the bathroom!

Julie; Aw bless her, she wasn’t my daughter was she?

 
Thanks for joining me! Come back for more of our antics next week!

 

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton