Bad ass mama confessions! Ain’t no halo’s in this episode?

Julie: Confessions. Ooh come on now girls, let’s have a confession, let’s get those bad guilty memories out in the open now. Celebrate our darkness with a bit of Vino! Billy, you go first.

Billy; Well, when my lad was in secondary school, he had a confrontation with another lad. Who called me a whore! So, as boys do, he reacted and bust his nose open! I was called up the school and had to go through the motions with the head teacher and the other boy’s parent! Oh it was so embarrassing, yet I couldn’t find it in myself to bollock him, because, well. He was the only boy who had ever stuck up for me! In the back of my mind I thought, wow, he’s twelve and he defended me. I love him…. I loved my boy so much for what he did. I couldn’t ground him because deep down I knew what he had done was right, yet the school didn’t agree and wanted to expel him! Well, that was what broke the straw for me. Oh wow, I marched in and went toe to toe with the head teacher! He started blarting on about how violence in the school was wrong and that they had a zero tolerance to violence, for punishment he felt the appropriate sanction was to expel my son. Pfft, that’s when the lioness came out and roared….  I let him speak first, and kept my cool, you know me, I don’t do violence! Then it came my turn and I goes – so, you have a zero tolerance to violence, but Mr Hurst, you also have a very shallow and short memory! Does this standard only apply to the kids in this school or does it apply to everyone, because if my memory serves me correctly, it was what, a couple of months ago that YOUR STAFF MEMBER, took a strike at MY BOY!!!! The head teachers face went white!

Sara; Did you give him the eyeball look too!

Billy; Damn bloody right I did… I went to town on him! Then I goes, so what kind of standard’s are YOU TEACHING in this joint. Not only have you insinuated that my son is a violent boy, when in fact he was merely honouring his own mother from despicable slurs that are absolutely not true, but also that he happens to be twelve years old! I have taught my boy how to respect a woman, yet your staff are the one’s striking the children!!!

Julie; No, did he… did a teacher do that!

Billy; Yeah!

Julie; Ooh go on girlfriend, tell me more!

Billy; So  I goes… Mr Hurst, I ask you, how do we resolve this issue! Correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t it was myself that said NO to pressing charges for your ABUSE against my CHILD, and now, you’re passing the blame onto my son!! Shall we take this to court!!! And let the judge the Jury  decide your fate! Evidently, its your school teaching the violent culture here, as you took the first strike.

Sara; No. Oh my god, I think I need brandy for this one!

Julie; Yeah and me!

Billy; I went to town on him girls. I still hadn’t let it go that the teacher struck him. you know when you’re contemplating it and thinking, Well he can be a little shit, but I’m glad I waited it out!

Julie; That’s it, you gotta choose your battles wisely these days!

I can already see the outcome, don’t you? This place will be closed down and you’re reputation as a head teacher will be destroyed! Is this what you want!!! He was speechless…. I picked up my coat and bag, started marching out of the office,  I turned round and said.. So I’ll be hearing no more about how much of a handful my boy is from now on, are we clear Mr Hurst. He couldn’t speak, he just about managed to nod and shake his bloody head.  I adjusted my crown and marched out the office with the bastards bollocks firmly in my hand. Fucking cheeky prick! And, I did all of this without raising my voice or raising my hand!

Julie; Oh my god… you bad ass mama! I friggin love you!

Chrystal; Oh wow. That’s real girl power there…I can’t beat that!

Sara; Chrystal. course you can’t… You haven’t had the bloody baby yet!

Chrystal; I know, I know. I just don’t think I could ever top that! What did you say to your son?

Billy; Well, he got a new play station game and I gave him a big kiss! It think it must of been the Irish bit coming out of me…. You know….. Not My BOY, d’ya hear!!

Julie; Ha, love it!

Sara; I think I can. Only mine was a bit more on the dangerous side, and, I didn’t get caught. Julie, top up your glass you’re gonna love this one!

Julie; Topping up the vino…Go on Sara, let’s hear it.

Sara; Well, when I was at school, me and my friends had this motto going that if you didn’t lose your virginity at sixteen, it wasn’t fun after that because it was legal! I think I was starting to panic because my sixteenth birthday was fast approaching and I was thinking, at the time, that I would miss out on the fun part! So I had a boyfriend, and thought, no I wanna be bad and do it while its illegal! So me and  Oliver, he was my beau at the time, we were passing the local church! I had this sudden burst of passion. I saw the church and thought – ooh, what about the confession box! So, in my monent of stupidity, I managed to convince Oliver that we could get it on in the confession box. You know what boys are like at that age, they’re up for anything. Especially the catholic ones!

So we went in, the place was deathly quiet, like tumbleweed drifting across the pews. It was eerie, which made it all the more ‘exciting!’ Anyhow, we sneaked into the confession box and things got a bit hot. As they do…. we were having a bit of tonsil hockey and the fumbling started going…. and then, in came the bloody priest. I was halfway through giving Oliver a blow job when the window flicked open, I froze in horror, would of thought that Olly’s dick would of gone limp, but NO!. He motioned me to carry on!!!! I was like, oh shit but ok then! I got so excited at the fact that the priest was listening to Olly’s false confession and watching him try and answer the priest without giving himself away, oh it was funny seeing him stutter and stumble… then, as soon as the priest shut the curtain, we ushered out an raced round the back of the church, where, I lost my innocence!! Oliver and I were both hot and sweaty, shivering with excitement and anticipation, after loads of urgent fumbling, I ended up bending over the gravestone of the lovely Mavis and George Crabb!!! It was so exciting and dangerous, but it made the first time a really memorable one!

Julie; Oh wow, I like that one, think I’ll try that with Matt! Hold on a minute girls….. MATT…MATT, how many beers you HAD!!


(Julie goes off of screen and into the lounge to speak to Matt.) How many beers you had? three?… Well start drinking coffee, I want to go to the grave site and visit your mum?.. What? You hated my mother?  Don’t be like that, anyway,  I want to make amends, go grab some daffodils out the garden, were going to the grave? Ok love, whatever you say.. we’ll go tomorrow? NO, were going tonight, get the coffee on and get drinking it, I’m being really considerate here…I don’t want you to lose your license? Well if you gave a shit about my license you’d wait till the bloody morning!… Will you stop answering back and do as your told…. I’ll even put on the Red PVC thigh boots, you know the ones that have to be held up by the suspender belt! Mmmhmm!!! I can’t wear them in the morning can I hmm!!! I’ll play the nun and you can be the vicar! Now get the kettle on!

Julie returns to the screen, perches on her chair, leans forward to whisper to the microphone….Oh I love that man when he does as he’s told!!…..  Gee, I’ve never seen him move so bloody fast!! The beers been poured down the sink, and he’s putting the kettle on.

Carry on girls.

Chrystal; I remember my first time too, although it wasn’t as exciting as what any of your dirty lot have shared, it was in my house and, yes, I got caught!

Sara; Go om spill the secret!

Chrystal; Ok, well his name was Francis, we’d been seeing each other for about six months and, well one night, my parents both went out to watch my sister in her school play. Me and Francis were in my room, getting sweaty under the duvet. We had attempted it once before but it didn’t quite happen, so we agreed to just kiss and fumble under the covers until the moment was gonna happen. And… well, it did…. Me an Francis got frisky and fruity, and he was like ‘can we, can we, I really want to. I was like, yeah lets do it, come on! We started pulling off the clothes as the passion started rising, getting into it, it was really quite dignified. Then, as he was thrusting away, I heard the door slam. We stopped mid flow and were like, oh shit, suddenly my sister burst into the room as Francis was on top, mid thrust. It totally killed the moment he went beetroot!

Julie; Did you get to finish what you started?

Chrystal; NO!!! Francis was really embarrassed, as soon as my sister left the room, he went all floppy!!

Sara; Oh that’s still a really memorable first time though!

Julie; Well as I often share a lot about my sex life, I’ve got an alternative confession to make! It was on the ward, and you know how I like the fireman. Well, we had a fire assessment one time at the hospital, I was coming in from my morning ciggy break and, wham, I was blessed to see this wonderful, delightful explosion of red. That BIG RED truck completely distracted me! Girls, as you know my thing for the red trucks…. pfft, I was gone!!!

Anyway, I smiled and fluttered my lashes, as I do whenever theirs some hot testosterone lurking around the building. Then, I swaggered into the building. At this hospital, we had glass walls and the corridors were looonng, like a catwalk, so the firemen could see everything, which I was aware of! So, as I opened the double doors to the corridor and made my theatrical entrance, I shimmied down the mile like it was my catwalk. I started swinging my hips, sashaying down like I owned the place…. I didn’t care if anybody could see me, I was totally in the moment, getting my vibe on. I was swinging these childbearing hips left and right, left and right, talking to myself in my head. ‘Unleash the  tiger Ju, go on, get em, get em. Swing them god damn hips and give it all you got. bitch you gonna nail this, now go, go, go! swing it bitch, swing it‘ I took my time as I swanked off  down the mile, not a care in the world! Yeah, Julie kid, you got this, you’re nailing this motherf*’%’er. Get your stride on bitch, work it work it! Oh, I tell ya, I was I’m my element!!! I stopped at the end of the mile for a sneaky look again! I wanted to get up close to the window and salivate at em, then I realised if I started lickin the window.. I might get sectioned!!

Sara; At least you were in the right place?

Julie; I know, that’s when I came to my senses a bit. I thought, better not, I could end up in the empty cell!!! So  anyway, I kept my cool and let my imagination wander for a few minutes? I started drifting off and imagined I was outside in the middle of a fire, stark bollock naked. Surrounded by the passion of fire, burning the ground around me…. Oh fire… there was one that caught my eye, he had black hair, and all the oomph. Well, my imagination went into a overdrive then! I was gone…. There we were, me and the hunk with black hair, oh yes, in the middle of the car park, cars going up in smoke around us, banging and booming, and I didn’t give a flying f**k, we were getting in on having mad, passionate….. fiery…. erotic…. ‘ugh’mazing sex in the middle of the car park! Oh I tell ya girls, I was on cloud 10….. 110, oh whatever, I was letting myself go you know!! I just wanted to lick him all over and taste every inch of him. I had my back to the wall, slamming my hands on it like Sally did in that film with Harry. I was GONE GONE GONE!!!! Oh, to smell his uniform, (sniff) Mmmm…. Oh, and the scent, oh the scent, the scent invaded my nose…. I was getting all my senses into it….the smell of fire… of all those burning buildings he had heroically been into, and saved all the poor little cats from burning to death! He’s such a hero!

Sara; Did you call Matt for midday quickie?

Julie; Sara, I was really in my moment then… anyway, I would have…. but…… Oh my god did I enjoy the fireman that day…. my passion was ruined… oh did I pay the price for it too!!!

Billy; Did Matt know!

Julie; Oh he got the best bit when I got home, until then, I was living this one in my head and holding it, til I got Matt in the garage when he got home!!

Anyway.. Then, I made it back onto the ward. I was so distracted that I forgot my usual routine of putting my alarm on. And, as luck would have it, the ward was on lock down, so I should of been more careful, but you know me and yellow PVC!! anyway, I buzzed the nurses and was let through security. I walked in and as I looked over through the glass at the nursing station, a few of the male nurses  looked up, two of the blokes smiled and I thought, mm, thats strange but thought nothing else to it! I walked past the nursing station and into the clinic. I was a bit obsessed at this point and probably worried that I might of missed something. I went round asking everyone why they were here and did I miss registering on a training event? Anyway, as luck would have it, I still forgot to put my personal alarm on. I’m a stupid cow sometimes, it was absolutely the wrong day to for a cock up like this, but hey, shit happens? So I went, and sauntered onto my ward!

Billy; You were really looking for the fireman weren’t you!!

Julie; Oh billy, how did you know! Lol…. Anyway, I didn’t see them again and on my way back to the clinic, I had to go back through the ward again, only this time, the other door at the side, wasn’t on lock down, but did have a warning up saying to be vigilant and alert!! I could see the patient that was on high risk of absconding through the  window on the second set of doors, that weren’t locked. She was on one to one, so had a staff member with her and I thought, oh its ok, I can get in without any issues here, ther’s a nurse with her! So as I opened the security door, out she came, like a fucking bullet, bam, she wizzed past me. Honest to god i never seen abyone move so fast. Even my kid don’t move that quick when I’m on homronal rampage! She flew out past me, through the security doors, I thought Oh hsit, here we go, julie you silly cow, you’ve, anyway I gave chase, and all my MAPPA training went out the window! shit did I do everything wrong that day. I managed to grab her wrist, something your not supposed to do!! And tried to hold her back, to stop her running off. Then I let go, as I realised I was putting myself, and the nurse at risk. The nurse shouts at me ‘pull the pit, pull the pit,’ I on the other hand felt completely stupid because – I wasn’t wearing it!!!! Oh my god, was it a fiasco that day! This patient practically had the whole hospital chasing after her. Luckily, she didn’t get very far…. I, on the other hand felt a right idiot! Security were both smiling at me, it was one of those moments where you think you’ve got your skirt tucked in your knickers kind of days. You know what I mean!

Chrystal; Yeah, I’ve had days like that too! Did you get her back on the ward.

Julie; Well yes, serenity on the ward was eventually restored, I on the other hand felt like a right dizzy stupid shit. I had to go round the whole hospital ward staff, apologising and sucking up to everyone for causing such a commotion. All the staff were ok about it, strangely enough! I was ever more paranoid and was starting to convince myself that my skirt was definitely tucked into my knickers. everyone kept looking at me with a funny stare, and weirdly enough, no-one on the ward was upset with me at all? They all took my calamity with great humour, funnily enough. It was only the next day when the security guard mentioned that he enjoyed my little swanning and sashaying down the ward corridor yesterday that the penny dropped. He asked me if they would be getting another show today!! Cheeky fucker!! I went beetroot red. I completely forgot about the friggin camera’s in the building….. oh mu god in my moment of flirtin!. That was why the two nurses smiled at me as I walked onto the ward!

Billy; Oh that’s just typically you!

Julie; I know! hang on a minute girls…..MATT…MATT… HOW MANY COFFEE’S YOU HAD!! Sorry girls let me turn the mic down while I wake up the ole man! Matt… MATT… Go warm the car up… I’m nearly ready!

Chrystal; Oh my god! And you still had to face everyone again!

Julie; Yeah, well, every cloud has its silver lining….. I used to park in the overflow car park like half a mile away from the hospital building, and it took like, then minutes to get from the car to the clinic… My gaffer was always clock watching me sayin, ‘oh Julie your late again,’ and give me that scowling look, you know when they peer over their glasses like a head teacher! I used to go, ‘no I’m not, I was here ten minutes ago, I got held up trying to find a car parking spot’… Well, for being such great entertainment, the security guards gave me a parking spot at the front of the building everyday!!! I was never late again!





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