Episode one; Lets talk about SEX!!!

Sara: Oh my god, what I bloody day its been today!  I’m going insane… I swear I’m going to end up in the bed next to Louise tomorrow!!!!!

Julie: What’s happened? What, what’s happened!!

Sara: Well, Jo was wanking off Geri in the disabled toilets, I stepped in and stopped their little rendezvous, Geri says, oh Sara don’t be mean, he says he’s gonna give me a fiver so I can buy a four pack of tinnies? I told he she was selling herself short, she should of insisted on a bottle of vodka! Then Harry kept perseverating and beckoning me to help him call out the gremlins hiding behind the plaster board, to come out to play. If he’d of asked me that before I had to separate the two lovers, I’d would have obliged!  But no, the day just got worse and bloody worse. Then, James the Russian professor was still organising all his papers, his drawings are now taking the shape of a rocket or something like that and he got pissed cos he thought I had taken two of them and hid them in the underground vault!!! And then there was Alice, she kept following me around, clinging to me saying sing with me, I had to position her on the chair and close the door to the quiet lounge as I sneaked away, I left her brushing her hair and swaying back and forth, singing rule Britannia! Honestly, it’s been a mad bloody day. Then I come home to even more madness! The family and the friggin kids!!!!! Argh I wanted to scream before I took my bloody coat off, honestly my kids are driving me crazy, I’m gonna end up in the hospital too!

Julie: It’s ok sweetie, I’ve had days like that too!

Sara: Sometimes I just wanna kill the bloody kids!  They leave their cups out on the side, I can always find a sweet or crisp wrapper loitering on the floor or tucked, neatly down the cracks of the bloody cushions. The bathroom always has a bit of toothpaste stuck on the sink –and oh my god, ‘it wasn’t me’ is all I bloody hear these days!
The washing bin never shrinks, no matter how many wash loads I do every day, the dishwasher is always friggin full. The cat litters sprayed around the kitchen and the feckin curtain rail is lob sided. Honestly, I’m looking around thinking, which one should I start on first!!!

Julie: Start on the wine babe! I am.

Sara: Do you think the wine is going to get any of this shit done!

Billy: No, but it’ll certainly help as you sit back and say- fuck it! Hey, it’s the best medicine to stop any mother from causing serious bodily harm to their darling little brat! It certainly helped me, many many times. Drink up and kick back hun! You can’t say that too loud these days, the nanny squad will be knocking your door, ripping your kids out your arms cos you’ve had a bad day at work and your drinking a glass of wine. It screams alcoholic mother to the nanny squad! It’s a school night too! Go on sista, be a bad ass mama and sink that wine!

Sara: What about you, what’s your week been like?

Julie: Oh you know me, always playing games on the hubby. He was out at work on Tuesday and he had an early finish, so I thought, ooh, what a good time for ‘play!’ you know, Mums and Dads play!!

Yeah, well he was finishing work early and I had my hair done at the hairdressers, so I was in the zone for a bit of ‘let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on’. You know how it is after the stylist has had a tweeze and tease over your scalp. My hairdressers magical hands, I love the way he massaged my head. Sends all those tingles dripping down my body, renders me stupid. So I thought, ooh, the hubby has a short day, let’s have a bit of mums and dads time! I even got the mother in law to pick up the kids! Everything was going to plan, and then he text to say he’s going golf!!! Arrgh, I was pissed I tell you. I was pacing up and down yelling, NO, NO, NO! So I stopped pacing and then thought, right, how do I get my own way and take him away from his golf clubs!

Chrystal; When a girl wants servicing, their aint no stopping the lengths she’ll go huh!!

Billy: Oh I know the feeling, my hairdresser’s gay, and he’s brill, he really takes his time on me! Anyway, what did ya do?

Julie: I started off with a text letter, then I got right down to the crunch about it, here, I’ll read to you’s what I text. This was the first part!

Dear darling, I wanted to remind you of our plans for our special play time. Your mother is picking up the kids, which is a bonus, and the dinner is cooking slowly!

I’m wearing your favourite PVC thigh boots and my nursing tunic again. Mmhmm, I know it makes you tingle in all the right places!!

Marvin Gaye is playing on the stereo, it’s just getting me in the mood for dinner, I’ve made beef wellington – your favourite, with medallion potatoes! Aha yes you love the way the cream sauce, just drizzles over the top and down the edges of that fine loin of  a piece of steak! Like water trickling down the side of a waterfall, the way it just drips each single drop onto the plate. The red wine, is now open and breathing nicely!

Desert is fresh cream just oozing out at the sides, filled profiteroles, with warm dark chocolate, with a hint of hazelnut spice. I know you love the spicy part!

As you know by now. Im not wearing anything underneath, just my silky smooth legs read to wrap nicely around your back once I straddle over your thick muscular thighs. Mmm, at the moment I’m still contemplating whether to sit here with my feet on the table or whether to answer the door when your car pulls up. And greet you with a wink and a smile. At least then I can slowly swing my hips as you follow me into the candlelit dining room. Tempt you with a shake of this goddess ass!

Mama’s in the mood the play with papa! The question is papa ready to play!

Then right, the cheeky fucker texts back and says, oh baby, turn the heat down on the dinner, I’ll be at least two hours later, I’m gonna have a few beers with the lads.

So I thought right, you piece of shit, two can play that game!

I sweetly replied – Remember our first wedding anniversary, and I came out of the bathroom wearing that PVC coat, I straddled you as you sat on the chair, tied your hands behind your back with your belt and I blew soft kisses over your face and chest, ripped open your shirt and you were just too gagging for it to wait for more, you leapt up and fucked me hard against the wall. Oh yes, I can remember it like yesterday! Wow, they were the days. hey! This time, you’re gonna sit down at the seat at the top of the table, I’m already positioned at the side, and I’m gonna take your tie off, then I’m gonna straddle you again, where my leg will swing over and straddle you. Now, This is what I want you to do. I want you to reach round my back, swipe the table with a heroic quick sweep of your arm, throw me up on the table, as the plates and cutlery clang and crash,  smashing on the floor and you’re gonna bang me like a BLOODY MAN!!!!!
PS; Honey, don’t forget the milkman is calling at four and I haven’t picked up my glasses from the opticians yet! He’s got a goatee beard like yours too, and you know I’m practically blind without my glasses, so please don’t be mad if I get it wrong!’

He text back within seconds and said, ‘you’re in luck sweetheart, the lads have cancelled, I’m on my way! He’s was back like a shot?

Sara; I’m pissing myself laughing here, that’s a classic line. I’m gonna try that one.
Julie; It’s the way you play it. Well it works hun, it worked for me anyway.

Chrystal; You really do put Matt through the motions!

Julie; Oh the games I play on that man. Well you gotta have a bit of friction in a marriage to gets the juices flowing add the spice, after all, isn’t that what we girls are made of.

Anyway, it’s what all the mums and dads play! I call it grown up recess!!

Chrystal; it reminds me of a young girl in my class. Someone mentioned the topic of god and praying. Well, this young innocent little cherub answered back. ‘My mum prays to my dad! At this point I was like, what! So I pried a little bit with all the gentleness that I could, and asked what she meant. Oh my god was I totally gobsmacked at her reply.  She continued and goes, ‘well I went downstairs to ask my mum for a drink and she was in front of my dad, praying. My dad was rolling his eyes and saying oh yes. Because she was praying I didn’t want to disturb her so I went back up to bed and got a drink from the bathroom!

Julie; Aw bless her, she wasn’t my daughter was she?

Thanks for joining me! Come back for more of our antics next week!


Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton


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