Not my BOY!!!!

Billy: I had this dream, it was really strange Julie, I don’t know how to share it. But it really unnerved me.

Julie: Go on. I’m listening honey.

Billy; It was Sara’s son. Luke?….

Julie; OMG, was it one of those dreams again… OMG What happened.

Billy; It was awful…. Something awful is going to happen to Sara’s Boy… I don’t know how to tell Sara? I mean, what if I’m wrong?

Julie; Billy babe, my hearts doing summersaults now… Tell me the whole story and we can create a plan to warn her somehow!

Billy; Julie, I’m shaking a little…. Its wasn’t good.

Julie; OK babe… You’ve got my full attention now. Come on, your safe sharing it with me… What happened.

Billy; Well, I was sleeping, as I usually do when these dreams happen…. And I was walking in this school, down the corridor. I could hear some boys yelling. I didn’t want to go towards the noise, but somehow I went there… I couldn’t avoid it so I knew it was something I needed to see. Then as I got closer, there was this crowd of boys, about five of them.. I could draw their faces, its was that clear…I’m shaking like a leaf now….

Julie; Oh darlin, take your time…. Even I’m getting jittery too. My stomach is swirling too. I’m staying on the green tea for this one…. It’s fatal isn’t it?

Billy; Yes…. Ok, deep breath Billy deep breath….. OK. It was Luke that these boys were surrounding? There were five of them…. Two of them had him pinned down on the floor, and one of them was kicking his head like a football…… Sorry, I’m in tears here trying to speak…. Oh God it was awful….. I saw Luke in a pool of blood….. his head was twice the size….. he had blood oozing out everywhere…..

Julie; Holy shit….. now I’m shaking…. OK deep breath deep breathe…. What did you see honey.. can you be more explicit….

Billy; They were robbing him, they were taking his phone and ipad from his bag and they stole his wallet….. It was a theft and a beating…. I ran in to stop the violence but everything that I did was useless. It was like they couldn’t see me….. I was shouting at them ‘get off him, stop hurting him’ but they couldn’t hear me…. The more angrier I got, the more the scene started to fade….. then I woke up…

red school blur factory
Photo by Gratisography on


Julie; OMG…. Ok, it might have been a dream about something…. It could mean something else and is completely unrelated to Sara?

Billy; Yeah I keep telling myself that too…. I mean she would have been in touch if something had happened wouldn’t she?

Julie; Yeah… She would. So it was a school, which means it a learning establishment…. The five boy could be related to five things that maybe you’ve got to face?

Billy; Or it could be a premonition about Sara’s Luke?

Julie; I think the best thing we can do is check in with Sara and ask her about her lads?… Oh hold on…. Sara’s trying to call me on my mobile… Hold on let me answer…. Two secs..

Hiya Sara….
….. Julie….Julie…. Its my boy, Luke…..He’s been taken to hospital….. the school just phoned me and told me there’s been an incident at school….OMG…. I’ve got to go to the hospital…. Can you come with me please….. I’m scared…

On my way honey… I’ll call Billy too… Get yourself to the hospital and we’ll be right behind you…

Julie hangs up receiver and calls Billy.

Hi Billy…. Holy Shit your dream was a premonition… Sara’s just had a call from the school, its Luke, shit your dream was right…. I’m on my way to meet her there…. Are you free? Can you get to the hospital?

Billy: Can you pick me up?

Julie: Yes… just grabbing my keys now…. See you in ten?

At the Hospital

A nurse left the room where Sara was waiting with a teacher from the school as Julie and Billy entered.

Sara; he’s in theatre now…..the staff have said he has a bleed on the brain… The police want to talk to me….. I’m shaking like a leaf…. Oh my God….. I don’t feel good… Mark has gone missing too… I haven’t got much details at the minute because Mark is missing…. There were a few boys involved and Mark exploded when he was told at school….. The police are out looking for him…. It’s such a mess….

Julie: Oh my god….. I’m so sorry Sara…. How can we help.

Sara: I don’t know….. I’ve got one son in theatre fighting for his life and another one on the run for whatever reason…

Billy; Where are the police?

Julie; They’ll be here soon.

Angela; the police have been called. I think they’re still getting information from school and interviewing students at the minute…

Billy; What can you tell us?

Angela; Not much really. Just that Luke was found in the toilets by a boy at breaktime… The school went into chaos from that point. I think word got round to his brother Mark. Probably by text maybe? So when Mark was informed, he then hit out on two boys. Whether these two boys were responsible for attacking, it’s impossible for me to confirm?

Billy; what were they wearing?

Angela; Why?

Billy; Because I know what they were wearing and if the clothes match what I saw then Mark was seeking out to find the culprit for hurting his brother?

Sara; WHAT?

Billy; I had a premonition last night Sara….
The police entered the room?

Sara; Have you caught the boys… have you found my son… Billy what did you see…

Police officer: OK, first we need to speak with Luke’s mother.

Sara; That’s me. these women are my friends and they’re here to support me.

Police officer: Can you tell us what items he had on his person. A phone…. money things like that.

Sara; Yes he has a phone, he usually has his ipad with him too. Erm money… possibly, but I can’t confirm how much?

Police officer; So we can confirm at this point there was a robbery as he doesn’t have any of those items now. Can we ask what the phone number is so we can try to get a trace on the phone.

Sara: Yes it’s 07745 343 233

Police officer: And your other son Mark? What’s his mobile number, we need to make sure he is safe.

Billy; hold on there officer. Mark has autism and he has reacted because his brother was hurt. Mark isn’t the criminal here!!

Police officer: We have been interviewing some of the students in the school. so far there are no leads. all we know at this point is that there was a robbery. Luke’s phone and Ipad was stolen along with money. We do know at this point that Mark has violently attacked two young men, whether they are responsible for attacking Luke is what we need to determine.

Billy; Officer I have names?

Police officer; How would you know there names?

Billy: I saw everything, in a premonition last night!!

Billy: I was walking down the school corridor. I could hear some boys yelling. I didn’t want to go towards the noise, but somehow I went there… I couldn’t avoid it so I knew it was something I needed to see. Then as I got closer, there was this crowd of boys, about five of them.. I could draw their faces, its was that clear. I saw two boys pinning Luke down on the ground. One of them had a small tattoo on his hand which said ‘pain?’ it was written along the side of his hand. The other male who was holding him down had shaved head and wore a beige bomber jacket. There was one male kicking his head like a football and he had a gold tooth on the left. He also had a scar over his right eyebrow? Then the other two, who also kicked Luke in the ribs, one of them was wearing a denim jacket and I saw a small bird on the lapel, the other one had a black bomber jacket on. He was a red head, shaved though.

Sara stared open mouthed and the police officer was scribbling everything down.

Angela; Two of young males that she is talking about are both here in the hospital, they were both attacked by Mark. The one with a tattoo on his hand…. Where on the hand was it Billy.

Billy; Across the side, above the little finger.

Angela; His name is Jordan Baker. The beige bomber jacket, I’m not sure bit I think it is Warren Bolton?  The young man other one that is missing who has the scar above his eyebrow is James Colton.

The police officer scribbled everything down ‘I’ll just step outside to call these names into the station, excuse me ladies,’ He left and tuned into his radio to call it in.

Angela; Wow that was so accurate Billy. What did you see?

Billy; Everything.

Sara stared on, frozen in shock…..

The police officer came back into the room.

Police officer; Sara… We have located Mark and her is now is police custody.

Sara; What?

Police officer: I’m afraid there has been a murder, and we believe your son may be responsible for the death of James Colton.

Sara; No…No….. Not MY BOY!!!

The piercing wail of a mother’s broken heart pealed down the corridors of the emergency department and Sara slumped down in the chair, and sobbed uncontrollably….

Howling at the moon!!

Sara; We had antics at the hospital again today?

Julie; It’s a full moon honey, that’s why? Get yourself a ‘whine’ on the rocks. you’ve earn’t that one this week.

Chrystal; What do you mean by the full moon?

Julie; The patients tend to go a little erratic. It’s all connected to the moon, you know lunar cycles, an all that.

Sara; That’s how it got the name lunatic asylum!

Chrystal; Really!!!

Sara; It Sound’s like something out of a movie, like werewolves howling at the moon?

Julie; Honestly, we’re all connected to the moon, women’s cycles run on a 28-day cycle, the moon phases all run on 7-day phases, completing at 28 days. I know the theory sounds completely bonkers, but it’s true. I always try and book a day off around the full moon when I worked on the wards.

Billy; The feminine is innately emotional which corresponds to the moon and the cycles?

Julie; Do you know right, I am always explaining this to parents when their kids get a bit hypo and out of sorts. I explain to them the moon theory and they look at me like I’m crazy. It’s true, honestly. Look at how women behave when they have a period, it’s exactly the same on the mental health wards. I always used to move my shifts when there’s a full moon at the hospital!

Sara; Wise move Julie, I think I’ll plan that for next month’s shifts! OMG, it’s so busy and you’re on your feet constantly. The alarms are going off all the time around a full moon. It’s so tiring too. You can forget tea break or lunch! You start to sit down to write up the notes and boom the buzzers are off again. Off you go, running to the emergency!

Chrystal; I never thought of it like that, does it get quite volatile then.

Julie; It’s complicated….. when there’s a full moon yes, otherwise, it’s a different day every day!

Billy; We connect powerfully with the moon you know. We sail with the tide, and for women, it’s almost impossible to fight against it. In just the same way the solar and lunar tides are energy phases that can also work for or against us – all according to how we use them.

Julie; Yeah, that sounds spot on Billy, what else can you share about it?

Billy; The phases align with the waxing and waning of the moon, and the turn of the seasons as the earth moves around the sun. Plant growth is stimulated on a waxing moon, and slows down as it wanes. The Moon governs the movement of the tides, and is also recognised as having a significant affect on our emotions, – particularly in women.

Sara; I’ll toast to that fact!!

Billy; Some ancient religions advocated that, if new ventures were started on a waxing Moon, they were more likely to succeed. The waxing of the Sun begins in March on the lst day of Spring and, although we may not realise it, the Sun has a much more dominant and long lasting affect on our lives, and ventures begun at that time are deemed by some to be the most productive. It is really rather silly that we call the 1st January the New Year, for it falls on the ‘darker side’ of the Sun, so maybe this explains why so many of our present day New Year resolutions seem doomed to failure?

Juile; There’s a season for everything – a correct time to sow ‘waxing’ and a correct time to reap ‘waning’.

Billy, Yes. I think it would help us considerably to be more aware of these ‘tides’, so that we don’t waste energy by fighting against the natural order of time.

Julie; YEAH. Anything can happen. No two days are the same on these wards, some days can be quite calm but others, OMG, they’re exhausting! Anyway, what happened today

Chrystal; C’mon sweetie, offload here.

Sara; It was a fire.

Julie; Oh don’t do this to me Sara, I’m gutted I missed it, lol…… anyway, how many firemen?

Sara; Well it was only a little fire, and three firemen turned up… Well, the fire truck was this half-sized van, I said to the ward manager, look at that truck, if this place was up in flames, that thing wouldn’t be of much use would it?

Billy; What do you mean, a half truck? What’s one of them?

Sara; Like a small van.

Chrystal; I’ve never seen one of them before? Was it red  shiny and obvious?

Sara; No, it was small and black with small writing on the bottom at the back, you wouldn’t have known it was a fire truck, honestly. You needed glasses to read the writing on the back bumper.

Julie; They’re cutting the services down ain’t they. bloody hell. whatever next?

Chrystal; Where was the fire!

Sara; In the attic?

Julie; How did the kids get up there? Actually. Forget I said that, they’re really creative with their methods, go on. how bad was it?

Sara; Well you’ll be shocked at this one. As it wasn’t the kids fire-starting. It was a light that blew in the attic, it caught fire on one of the boxes that were stored, and set alight, started the alarms off.

Chrystal; So it wasn’t a big fire then.

Sara; No. But it could have been, and the tiny little van wouldn’t have stopped any inferno. I still can’t get my head around the small fire van.

Julie; And the yellow trousers have gone an all! It’s black outfit now. I’ll have to update Matt’s wardrobe! Blimey, everything is going micro these days. Micromanagers, micro handbags, microchips, micro pants…  it’s the new buzzword!

Sara; I know, I don’t like micro. I like macro…. maximum…. big and fat…and large….

Billy; Sounds like the full moon’s had an effect on ya bab!

Sara; Am I coming across as pissed off? Am I crazy??

Julie; No, of course you’re not. It’s quite normal, we all have those crazy days! Anyway, listen to your self talk!

Sara; What do you mean?

Julie; Well imagine your standing in front of a mirror, and you just said Am I crazy. Say it backwards, as its self talk?

Sara; Crazy I am?…. I don’t get it?

Billy; I am that, I am, it’s self talk?

Sara; OMG… I never noticed that, blimey the things we tell ourselves, can be really negative can’t it?

Julie; Yep.

Sara; Oh wow, I need to be more careful in what I’m saying!

Billy; Oh don’t be so hard on yourself honey. It’s a stressful job.

Chrystal; Yeah, don’t apologize Sara.

Chrystal; Oh Julie, I used the cue cards this week.

Julie; Ooo, go on chrystal, tell us your version of the game honey!

Chrystal; Well Brandon has been treating me like glass, you know, new mum and all that. So I did the music game, using Madonna!

Julie; Get in there girlfriend!  Give us the long version!

Chrystal: Well, first I sent the four cue cards and said, Babe, I want to play mums and dads and have mums and dads fun. Tonight babe, my mother is babysitting, the house is all ours. Then I sent Madonna’s ‘like a virgin’ lyrics first, just to test the waters. I jigged them up a bit to get the flava going!

I made it through the Labour pain
Somehow I made it through
Didn’t know how hard it was
So glad I had you
I was beat
and my stitches made me sore and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel….

I stopped it there and waited for his response and he sent. I know babe, you did really well and I’m so proud of you.

So I said; Want to make me Purr. I want to Puuurrr just for you!

He sent back; Has the nurse said it’s ok? I mean, I know what you went through and it was pretty tough. I just want to make sure your ready for sex again. Are you sure you feel up to it?

I sent some more of the lyrics.

Like a virgin, hey
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
With your heartbeat
Next to mine

He finally cottoned on to the game and sent back John Lennon ‘Woman’;

Woman I can hardly express
My mixed emotions and my thoughtlessness
After all I’m forever in your debt
And woman I will try to express
My inner feelings and thankfulness
For showing me the meaning of success

So I sent Madonna – Hanky Panky

Some girls, they like candy, and others, they like to grind,
I’ll settle for the back of your hand somewhere on my behind.
Treat me like I’m a bad girl, even when I’m being good to you,
I don’t want you to thank me, you can just spank me.
Some guys like to sweet talk, and others, they like to tease,
Tie my hands behind my back and, oh, I’m in ecstasy.
Don’t slobber me with kisses, I can get that from my sisters,
Before I get too cranky, you better
Like hanky panky!

He sent me; Marvin Gaye

I know you know what I been dreamin’ of, don’t you baby?
My whole body makes that feelin’ of love, I’m happy
I ain’t gonna worry, no I ain’t gonna push
I won’t push you baby, woo
Come on, come on, come on, come on darling
Stop beatin’ round the bush, hey
Oh, gonna get it on, threatin’ you, baby
I wanna get it on
You don’t have to worry that it’s wrong
If the spirit moves you
Let me groove you good
Let your come down
Oh, get it on, come on baby
Do you know the meaning?
I’ve been sanctified, hey
Girl, you give me good feeling
So good somethin’ like sanctified

Then he walked through the door, we eyes each other across the kitchen and BANG, it was all systems go!

Sara; Go on girl, glad you got serviced finally.

Julie; Oh yes, those hanky panky lyrics have really inspired me, I’m sending that to Matt now.  I best remind him about the Purr, Ggrrrr or the Rooaaarrr as it’s a full moon!!!


Marvin Gaye – Lets get it on!

Julie; Matts back on the scene.

Billy; oh go on, tell us what happened!

Julie; Well, it all started with a text!

Sara; Ah, Its far more original than a kiss I suppose!

Julie; Well you know me, Miss original. Lol. Anyway,I got a text saying listen. Matt was back on the song game, only this time, he edited and cut each song to say what a specific point. And I couldn’t not play along, especially as it was the King himself  the one and only George Mmmm Mwah, Michael!

Shall I relay each song part or do you just want the titles?

Sara; Each song part, as it tells a better story. Go on, I’ve got my ice cream and bailey’s on ice tonight!

Billy; Me too, I pushing the boat out tonight as we’re wetting the baby’s head. Got Vodka and Tia Maria mixed with Coke. congratulations Chrystal!

Chrystal; Me too! I’ve expressed two bottles of milk so I’m having a treat tonight! A couple of daiquiri with ice.

Julie; I’m on the Rose, but might get the Brandy going if you girls start singing? Anyway the first text song was one more try, the day went like this!!

There are things
That I don’t want to learn
Oh the last one I had
Made me cry
So I don’t want to learn to
Hold you, touch you
Think that you’re mine
Because it ain’t no joy
For an uptown boy
Whose teacher has told him goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

I sent back: Careless whisper!

Should’ve known better than to cheat a friend
And waste the chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you
Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
There’s no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you’ll find

Matt sent back; I can’t make you love me!

Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t
I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me
Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power.

I sent: Kissing a fool

You are far
I’m never gonna be your star
I’ll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I’ll be strong enough
I don’t know where to start
But I’ll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart
And people
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all

Matt sent; Waiting for that day

Don’t you know that
The years will come and go
Some of us will change our lives
Some of us still have nothing to show
Nothing, baby (nothing, baby)
But memories (but memories)
And if these wounds
They are self-inflicted
I don’t really know
How my poor heart could have protected me
But if I have to carry this pain
If you will not share the blame
I deserve to see your face again

He then sent a text and said how sorry he was. He even promised to buy me some new boots. I replied quickly and said that I didn’t like boots anymore, I like diamond bracelets, the one that Tiffany makes!

The texts slowed down so I suppose he was thinking about it right. Then I gets a text and says, meet me at 5pm on Thursday as he needs some time to find Tiffany!

I sent back –  when you find her shop, I sent the snippet of the song; Wake me up

You put the boom-boom into my heart (do do)
You send my soul sky high when your lovin’ starts
Jitterbug into my brain (yeah yeah)
Goes a bang-bang-bang ’til my feet do the same

Matt sent: Freedom!

I won’t let you down,
I will not give you up,
Gotta have some faith in the sound,
it’s the one good thing that I got.
I won’t let you down,
So please don’t give me up,
Cos I would really really love to stick around!

I sent; As

As around the sun the earth knows she’s revolving
And the rose buds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows loves a cure
You can rest your mind assured,
That I’ll be loving you always.

The grand finale was when I got home, Matt text me and said, 5pm, dining room!

So I arrived home and the dinner table was all laid out. honestly girls I nearly fainted, I’ve never seen the table laid out like that before in 20 years of dating, I fell to the bloody floor, there was wine on the table next to a bucket of roses. He bought string lights and set them around the room, there was about fifty candles flickering too. It was spectacular! He pushed the boat out and had an atomiser blowing rose and sandalwood oils in the background too! I tell ya girls, my senses were overloaded! Great smell, good food, visually alluring candles flickering for the romantic in me.

Matt sits there at the table, all doey eyed and says ‘I’m sorry Jules’. I eyed the table looking for the turquoise box, you know, and there it was, in between the wine and roses. A diamond Tiffany bangle! My heart just stopped I was gobsmacked!

Chrystal; Your heart stopped, my jaws on the floor! Matt got you a Tiffany bangle?

Julie; Yeah. I know, I wasn’t expecting it either! Anyway, what just so happens to be playing on the stereo then!!

Billy; Outside??

Julie; Nope – Marvin Gaye lets get it on…. So we did. kisses and made up!! Besides Chrystal, you’re a newby to this, give it a few years and we’ll have you up to the professional, level darlin! Thank god my mother had the kids. We ripped each others clothes off like we hadn’t had sex for two weeks!

Billy; Well it has been two weeks hasn’t it?

Julie; Oh stop it Billy, don’t spoil the passion? Ha, yeah it was quite raunchy, and raw.

Sara; Well if the plan was the same one you use to fill the wardrobe, I’d say it was fool proof!

Julie; What the table sex?

Billy; No the plan to get new clothes and shoes?

Chrystal; What plan is that?

Billy; It’s the one with the dress up game Chrystal? You get the ole man to buy the new dress up outfits and add in the new shoes, bag, jeans and jackets on the shopping list!

Julie; Basically you fill the check out with as much as you can. As its what He wants you to buy too!

Chrystal; Ok you’ve lost me?

Sara; Well, its like this. when the hubby says, I’ll treat you, after say a row or when they’ve done something wrong. You add in as many other smaller bits or in Julie’s case. a wardrobe if you can. And they can’t refuse the request, after all, they offered!

Julie; Works like a dream for me. Especially if I want some new thigh boots, its Matts weakness you see. So he never says no, and once I’ve got his card. I purchase new shoes, new handbag, matching earrings and bracelet, you name it. I complete the outfit and some!!

Chrystal’ I’ll have to try that when football season arrives!

Sara; YEESSS, that’s the time to hit the pocket. Football season, blokes are so distracted they don’t notice the dent in the bank account. How’s baby anyway!

Chrystal; He’s doing fine, sleeping for three hourly feeds now! I’m getting more sleep as he gets bigger!

Billy; Aw, bless him. I loved it when mine were new born too.

Julie; Yeah and me, although when the second one arrives, its more tiring!

Sara; I was knackered for about six months. I had it all in one sitting with twins.



She’s Having the Baby!

Julie Billy and Sara all march into the delivery room to visit new mum – Chrystal.

Chrystal is holding her new baby boy in her arms, the three women all look over and coo at his cuteness.

Billy; You must be knackered, how long was the labour!

Chrystal; Ten hours and 52 minutes!

Sara; Cor that was good going! My labour was seventeen hours!

Billy, I was 39 hours with my eldest?

Julie; Me an all, and then I got whisked into theatre. After going through all that pain too!!

Chrystal; Well the breathing exercises helped, but I got to be honest, I needed the gas and air!

Billy; It’s good stuff ain’t it?

Julie; Oh don’t Billy, you’ll make me broody again?

Sara; Ha ha. What about pethidine, did you have any of that?

Chrystal; No. Gas and air was enough for me. OMG, the last half an hour was absolute agony?

Billy; The pushing. I know…. It’s like passing a melon out of pin hole? Total agony. But worth it hey!

Chrystal; Yeah, he’s such a good baby too!

Julie; Well he’s had gas and air too, so he might still be a little sleepy. Wait at least a couple of days!

Billy; Yeah Julie’s right. New babies are usually sleepy and quiet until about 72 hours post birth, then the screams and night feeds start to wear you down!

Chrystal: I don’t care how much he keeps me awake. I love him to the moon and back. Look at him he’s just gorgeous.

Julie; Yeah, he is a cutie. Can see he’s got his dads eyes!

Sara; Anyway, we’ve chipped in and bought you a present!

Julie lifts up a small suitcase and places it at the bottom of the bed.

Julie; We’ve bought you a baby hamper… Hope you like it… It’s for the modern day millennial!

Sara; Yeah, we had a meeting, with infection control. And we came up with the most environmentally friendly, infection protective, baby changing basket there could ever be on the market. Here’s our baby basket.

Sara opens the case and pulls out a spit guard, overalls, latex gloves and alcohol gel!

Chrystal frowns and looks closer: WTF?

Julie; Well, the spit guard is for protecting your face during nappy change, especially as he’s a boy. The spray can go everywhere…

Billy; Even in the mouth?

Julie; So face protection was considered here as the safest method to change baby?

Billy; And keep you dry!!!

Sara; The latex gloves and overalls to protect your clothing… I mean, god only knows how far these clever little bambino’s can direct a stream of water. And, when you’re in a restaurant, a change of clothes isn’t an option. You’ve already traded your nice Gucci bag for a suitcase, and there’s no room in that suitcase for any clean clothing for you… So the overalls are more compact and environmental friendly!

Julie; Alcohol gel for after the change, as the gloves get in the way. The baby wipes can have a slippery effect, and with all those creams that you have to apply!! So taking off the gloves once you’ve disposed of the excrement, is wise. That’s where the alcohol gel comes in handy!

Chrystal; Oh girls you shouldn’t have.

Sara; We’ve even managed to get you a new suitcase, for carrying the baby essentials around too!!!!

Billy; This is twenty first century, we got to keep up with infection control now honey. Gone are the days where the washing line was full of white terry cotton squares. Although, in those days, I think they had more savvy about the environment than the plastic nappies used today. But, you know what, we don’t make the rules for society!!

Julie; Oh I know, you’re right Billy. The terry nappies are the environmentally friendly, but its impossible in todays culture! With working all week, women don’t have the opportunity to wash nappies with more than one child in the house? You have to entertain the toddler, who needs loads of attention, so convenience does have its assets!

Chrystal; Oh girls you shouldn’t have! (Sarcasm)

Billy; You can thank us when you’re having coffee at Starbucks with the mother in law! She’ll be impressed at how prepared you are!!

Chrystal; Yeah, as long as it doesn’t frighten her off! And that spit guard, wow!

Julie; You can get one up on little Joanna’s mother now, and tell her that you are taking motherhood seriously! She’ll be pissed off she never thought of it first!

They all laugh.

Julie; What name are you giving the little champ?

Chrystal; Well I like Charlie, Archie and Louis… So we’re wrestling with which one at the minute?

Julie; Well that’s nice and sensible. Not like these stupid names some people come up with.

Chrystal; OMG I know. That reminds me…. I remember one child at the school was called L-A. Her mother was furious… She came marching into school and pulled up the teacher in the morning, complained that her child wasn’t being called by her correct name?

Julie; Hey, what do you mean.

Chrystal: Well at the school we were pronouncing her as Lia or Leah.

Billy; So what were you saying wrong then?

Chrystal: She was supposed to be called L dash A. Pronounced and we were calling her Lea? Ldashah? And we were calling her Lea?

Sara; You’re joking?

Chrystal; No. deadly serious!

Julie; OMG what is this world coming too?

Billy: That’s nothing. On one of the birthday parties I threw when one of the kids were small. There was this one child in the class called  DKNY. I remember pronouncing Dinky and her mother flipped too!!

Julie; No!

Billy; Seriously. DKNY?? It beggars belief doesn’t it?

Sara: Yeah. Either their stupid or taking the piss out of parenthood?

Julie; The former sounds most accurate, but these days, you never can tell a piss take from a seriously stupid twat?

Sara; Now I don’t feel so guilty for my obnoxious Gob.

Julie; Nor me? Or my Gob!!

Billy; Can we get you a coffee or anything from the shop Chrystal.

Chrystal; Oh yes please, toffee latte…. I’ve soooo missed my Latte?

Billy; Coming right up. Me and Julie will go and gets the drinks in.

Julie; Yeah and on Friday it’s wine all the way kiddo. I bet you’ve missed that too hey?

Chrystal: Oh don’t tease me just yet. I’m gonna start salivating for a large rose.


Julie and Billy get Coffee’s. Julie notices a familiar couple in the newsagent stand.

Julie; Oh my god, I remember that couple? She points over to the middle aged couple standing at the counter.

Billy; What about them?

Julie; Well you know me, nosy impulsive cow that I am? Sometimes?

Billy; No. Not sometimes! (Sarcasm)

Julie; Ok, lots of times then. I’m not admitting to all the time!

Billy; Ok that’s a fair admittance?

Julie; Anyway….. I was working as a student, taking a patient from rehab, to A&E department, it was busy, as usual. In the cubicle next to us, was a couple, the husband had hurt his knee. I couldn’t help but listen to their fascinating conversation. The husband revealed that they were having intimate action in the bathroom.

Billy; Shagging?

Julie; Mmhmm. Anyway, he slipped and  fell, in the shower, pulled a ligament in his knee. My nosy cow ears pinged up as I listened to them. The wife was not entertaining her husbands moaning and she goes –

‘Oh Stop whining now, you insisted on sex in the shower. If you didn’t use the shower gel, you wouldn’t of slipped!’ She tutted, ‘you won’t do that again will you hmm?’ She scolded her husband.

‘Mm, maybe if I put a lock plug on the the ceiling, you could dangle down in the straps, that would hold your weight a bit better and….’

‘Oh really. You planning on staying celibate! Hold my weight! Pfft! Cheeky bastard?’

Billy; Sounds like a woman after my own heart?

Julie, haha, Anyway. I couldn’t help but smile, then I wondered about their safety. My impulsive self couldn’t sit any longer, I pulled back the curtain and burst through their conversation and I goes… ‘Sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing. I know what your thinking,’ I said as I looked directly at the husband, ‘I am too. No I’m not thinking that, no not like that… I mean for safety, you need Grab rails?’

‘Excuse me!’ the wife cried, staring at me like I was a bull.

The husband stopped her and goes, ‘Sheila ssh. Carry on,’ he said, eagerly awaiting my response.

I announced I was OT and intervened. ‘I overheard you mention a hanging clip. Grab rails would be so much safer. You want them about waist height, it will give both of you something to grip in the slippy, soapy water! especially now you’ve hurt your knee, it’ll be weaker to stand on next time you play mums and dads, and, you might damage your knee even more?’

The wife blushed and the husband grinned. ‘Tell me more. I like your idea about the clip in the ceiling, although safety is a risk again? I don’t want to damage the knee anymore’

I goes, Yeah but it’s possible, make sure to attach the hook to the ceiling joist, that way the ceiling won’t come down?

His wife’s face was a picture, her mouth gaped and her eyes widened. ‘A mobile hoist, will hold you up in the air safely.’ I winked at his wife, ‘Don’t bother with the little toys, bring in the big ones, have fun in the bedroom? Get a hoist and suspend yourself in safety anywhere in the house?’

‘A hoist, aren’t they for disabled people?’ The wife asked curiously, I could see she was warming to my sudden impulsive burst of advice.

‘Sorry about bursting in like that, I just noticed the risks and wanted to help!’

‘It was the best interfering, impulsive advice I’ve ever had. Thanks.’ Husband smiled.’you can burst in anytime for me, thank you for the tips.’ He was happy as a pig in muck. the smile on his face was a picture. The wife warmed up a bit too. I think she was a bit embarrassed that I interrupted.

Billy; Aint that typically you?

Julie; Yeah.










The bitches are back……MIAW!!

Sara; Grr… pissed off. I had a shit week again!!

Billy; Whats happened!

Sara; I was in work the other day, and the canteen staff are always quite abrupt with me. I sometimes wonder if its me? I do keep asking you lot but you seem to disagree so I’ll go with that, Anyway. There’s something about me that they dislike, because I got eyeballed for just smiling? Honestly right. I was in the queue the other day, and this huge six foot plus security guy, and about six foot wide was laughing and joking with the cashier, he ordered five sausages, five bacon, three eggs, three black pudding, two slices of toast, fried brad, beans, tomatoes and mushrooms. honest to god he had half the farm on his plate right. The canteen assistant was laughing and flirting at his joke, which wasn’t funny. She was asking him as she pilled on the beans that dripped down the mountain, if he wanted more. I was gobsmacked at the size of his breakfast! The she turns to me and looks me up and down with a scornful eye, I knew instantly that she took a great dislike to me, her tone of voice changed and she went ‘want to you want!’ with a sour tone. So I said sarcastically, erm, Ill have two slices of lettuce, half a tomato, three beetroot, a slice of onion and oh, and go easy on the dressing, I’m watching me figure! She eyeballed me with a look of death!! I couldn’t believe it, then fat Larry at the cashier station turns round and goes ‘that’s not gonna fill you up love, you need a bit of meat on your plate cos you need some meat on your bones!’ I looked over and goes, ‘oh, as opposed to half the farm you’ve got on your plate! I think your eating for the both of us buddy, and the rest of the queue! I slammed my fiver on the counter and put my hand on my hip! Cor, it really pissed me off, they way she scowled at me and the fat bastard got all her flirtatious charm? Great service hey!

Julie; MIAW…. Lol, I love it, tonight’s the night we’re gettin the claws out!

Chrystal; Oh that’s blatant jealousy, obviously cos you’ve got a skinny figure!

Sara; I know!! But did she have to be so friggin rude!

Billy; Get your own back!

Julie; People are rude hun, she was probably thinking, ‘oh you skinny cow, you think you can swan in here and eat anything without adding a single gram to your hips and I have to ration my food because I’m a fat!’ Don’t let her get to you babe!

Sara; It still pisses me off! Her attitude towards me?

Julie; Next time someone pisses you off like that, find Mark and get your zen on with him, sit under the tree in the garden!

Sara; Good point Julie, Only I’m Just too tense to breathe properly right now!

Chrystal; Me too, only I’m too fat!

Julie; I had a similar experience once. was in the staff canteen the and yeah, the staff were big girls too. Not that I’m critisizing big girls or anything, but what happened proves a point.  I forgot to clear my plate away when I had a slice of toast and a coffee the morning before right, so the next time I was in the canteen, the assistant said to me as she made my toast, ‘just to remind you that over there, is where you put your plates when you’ve finished!’ I looked round and saw the tall trolley where the trays are stacked! then I thought, ‘oh shit, I must of forgot to clear my plate away? I apologised politely and she goes, ‘lots of people miss it too, it’s because it’s at the front here. So I kept my trap shut, thinking I was upsetting the chef! and then she goes ‘it’s one less job for us to do you see,’ I nodded and left it at that. Then when I sat down and thought, hold on a minute, It is your job! I watched her as she left the counter, as it was quiet, then sat down to read the paper and chat with her colleague for half an hour!

So when I finished my toast, I left my plate and cup on the table and walked off!

Billy; MIAW.

Julie; I was being a cow, even though I was doing her a favour, I thought she could do with the exercise…. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind. anyhow, the extra exercise will keep their weight down!

Sara; Do you know what, tomorrow I’m gonna order three pieces of cake, three chocolate bars and start ripping the wrapper off the chocolate as I’m in the queue. Tell her I’ve got a ravenous appetite. Stuff my face with loads of cake and chocolate.

Billy; Can you handle all that in one sitting.

Sara; No, I’ll probably be sick after eating half of it, I can just see it now, after stuffing my face Ill be throwing the contents up in the car park?

Julie; Yeah but think of how much it will piss off the assistant’s!

Chrystal; Noooo. Don’t do that, you work next to the eating disorder ward?

Sara; Good point Chrystal. Knowing me after all that sugar, I’d definately throw up, can you imagine it, the ward sister might think I’m purging, she’ll come marching out the hospital chasing after me, get me into a head lock, and frog march me onto the ward!

Chrystal; They might spit in your food if you upset them!

Billy; Oh don’t girls…. my ribs are hurting from laughing!

Julie; It isn’t all black and white though, there’s millions of people trying to keep their weight down.

Billy; I’m one of them?

Julie; No you’re not Billy you’re cuddly, there’s a difference…   Anyway, don’t take it personally, it’s a generalisation. Obesity is so rife these days, it’s getting way out of hand. I’ll tell you a case I had once, and this is true right, so take from it what you want. And, It’s not an attack on fat people, but another perspective that I experienced which might shed some light as to why there is so much prejudice around!!

It was a Woman, mid forties. Obese, and no, she didn’t have Prada Willi syndrome! She was about twenty five stone, and had a fall at home. After all tests were carried out, with no sprains or broken bones, the woman was returned home with £6’000 of equipment to support her, along with four hourly calls of three assistants. But, after one night at home, she was unable to stand when hoisted and the care staff were then struggling with even getting her in the hoist! Yet when she was discharged fro hospital she could stand and wasn’t hoisted in hospital!!! Anyway, after an assessment with the experts and an hour of encouraging her that she can stand on her feet with support, she wailed all the histrionics she could until the psychiotherpaist gave up and mission was aborted. The physio reported back to the team saying she just didn’t want to stand again and we couldn’t force her!

However, when we all went to wash our hands, you wouldn’t believe what we saw. She had nine packs of cakes stacked up in the kitchen, so by assessing her environment, she was too comfortable watching tv all day, now she has three care staff attending to what she could do herself! So she wasn’t helping herself in any way? Only causing a strain on an already strained service!!

Sara; Oh wow, I see what you mean. I saw once on the news that it took four hours, to take a window out, with the fire, and ambulance service, to get this one chap to hospital? The staff and time needed was shocking, the repair to the building too? I did sit back and wonder why his care staff kept feeding him, surely if he was unable to get out of bed, he can be restricted with his diet?

Julie; No, it doesn’t work like that Sara, human rights and all that? Plus, there’s the prada willi disorder, where the brain and the stomach don’t recognize its just eaten!

Sara; They’ve got more human rights than the in-patient anorexic girls, that’s for sure?

Chrystal; How’s things with Matt Julie?

Julie; Well, after that night, I stayed with my sister and she advised me to have a few days space. So I came home from work the following day, picked the kids up from school, as I didn’t want to spoil their routine or anything. Made their tea and was chatting with them. I told them that Grandma was poorly and I needed to stay with her to make sure she got better. the kids all bought it, so at least they didn’t get dragged into anything and were none the wiser. Then, Matt comes home and he thinks everything is ok. He walked into the dining room where I’m talking with the kids and goes, ‘mm smells nice, what’s for tea,’ Cos the kids finished and the plates were empty and I goes, ‘Oh I only made the kids dinner, I left work to pick them up and now I’ve got to go back and finish my shift!’ His face went stone cold. And then I get up, grab my bag. Well at this point I already had my song ready to play and I said, ‘I’ve got to rush off, I called out from work to get the kids, I’m on a late shift!’ He asks what time I’m back and Annabell pipes up and says, ‘she’s going to look after Grandma!’ As she said it, I said speak soon. then blast out the stereo, Tammy Wynette, ‘I don’t wanna play house!!’ as I rush out the door. I think this left Matt in a right flutter. He’s been sending texts declaring he loves me and misses me.

Sara; Ooh you’re making him sweat his one out.

Julie; I know, won’t do him no harm though! Two can play that game!!

Chrystal; Go on tiger, show him your claws! lol.

Julie; Well I come with two sides, I’ll give you heaven or I’ll give you hell, which one you get, depends on how I’m treated! We’re meeting on Tuesday so I’ll update next week girls!

Billy; True, true. The sooner men learn that fact, the happier marriages will be!

Chrystal; So what is the secret to a happy relationship!

Julie; Add as much spice as you can?

Billy; Turmeric for libido, chilli for action….

Julie; Itching powder?

Chrystal: Itching powder, what for?

Julie; In their boxer shorts for when they stand you up after you’ve spent three hours making dinner!

Sara; Oh I like that one Julie. Although, thinking about it…  if Luke saw itching powder in the house, he’s use it on his brother!…..  I agree though, once the honeymoon period is over, you got to keep things going. It takes work and commitment from both sides!

Julie; Men are quite simple really, when you think about it! It’s us women that complicate things, as we’re more emotionally driven. And men are more mentally driven.

Chrystal; And…. by their lower region!!

Billy; Not always! There’s women out there that are just as cold and abusive towards their husbands and wouldn’t think twice about cheating and abusing them!

Julie; Yeah they’re are, I cant disagree with that. I’ve seen it in practice too. Where the wife is quite bolshie and aggressive! I remember one go to swing for her husband once? Couldn’t believe it…. the poles swing in both sexes doesn’t it! They’re are some decent men out there!

Sara; Yeah but women wouldn’t abuse woman, like men fight men!

Billy; Oh yes they do!!. Wait till you hear this one. The  mistress and the mayor’s daughter. You’ll question your trust with woman!!!

Julie; OOH go on Billy, spill spill!!

Billy; Well, it as at work. There were these two women, one was the mayor’s daughter and the other one was a nice hardworking, decent girl. Well the nice girl was so nice that she was sucked in by the mayors daughter, BIG TIME. I really felt sorry for her, when the whole thing came to light!

Sara; Ooh, sounds illicit, go on Billy, I’m getting a twinge. Tonight could be the night bump finally bursts through the waters!!

Billy; Okay. The nice girl, I’ll call her Eve, she came from a humble background and well, she had experienced domestic violence. So her heart was in the right place. Anyway, the mayors daughter, I’ll call her Lilith, what she did was reel her in and re-abuse her. It certainly shed a light on those women who judge the battered wives that’s for sure!

Sara; OMG how she do that?

Billy; What happened was Eve was duped into believing Lilith was unhappy in her marriage and was being abused, so naturally, she jumped in to help, without thinking or  rather, she was conned through bullshit by Lilith.

So, Lilith was a happily married woman, who wasn’t satisfied with her husband and was having an affair, in fact, Lilith confirmed that she had the perfect husband…. and she wanted to get time away from work so she could get her weekly shag with her lover.

Julie; OMG Billy, do I need to crack the brandy for this one or what!

Billy; You might? Anyway, this Eve, right, was told by Lilith that she too, was being abused…. by her lover?

Sara; Why she staying with him then, if he’s abusing her and she’s got a husband?

Billy; Ok, stay with me here, cos it gets complex and really viscous! So, it started out the that when Lilith mentioned this as an excuse to get time away, so when Eve caught on that Lilith had no intentions of divorcing her husband and he wasn’t abusing her. Eve ended up changing the game plan, by jumping in, heart first and saying that she needs to get out of the relationship, she gets reeled in even more through Lilith’s insidious mind  game, forcing Eve to reveal more than she wanted to, even though her heart was in the right place and her intention was honest.

Anyway, over time Lilith knew she was onto a good thing. So every time she invaded Eve’s personal life, to badger on at her about her abusive boyfriend, asking for advice because she was claiming to be an abused spouse too. What conspired was Eve wised up to the game plan and recognized she was ‘being played’ by Lilith, because over time, Eve was noticing a pattern. Eve said that when she would tell Lilith that she didn’t have the answers and that she wasn’t the right person to talk to, Lilith would paraphrase ‘yes but you were abused, and you didn’t listen either did you,’ This phrase was used over and over  and over, So Lilith could keep using Eve to get away, not once, but three times a week. Eve tried to contain the situation by saying no, she couldn’t leave work again and that she would report it to higher management if she did leave to meet her lover!

Lilith did this time and time again and eventually, Eve reported it to higher management, because she confronted Lilith, and raised her voice, she was heard shouting at Lilith. So she explained the whole scenario saying that Lilith was using work time to escape and Lilith spends three hours or so with her lover, several, times a week, leaving Eve to hold the fort and do all the work.

Sara; I don’t fucking blame her for raising her voice! She was lucky she didn’t get a right hook!!

Chrystal; It happens to both sexes doesn’t it!

Sara; Well that Lilith is one damaged woman there?

Billy; Oh it gets worse… when Eve reported it, the higher management decided that because she raised hr voice at Lilith for abusing her, she was sacked.

Julie; No way??

Chrystal: OMG.

Sara; That’s insane….  She reports that an employee is abusing her and abusing the company, and gets fired for whistle blowing! WTF???

Billy; I know.. I couldn’t believe it too.

Julie; Ah that poor girl? There’s no place for decency in this mad world!

Sara; It certainly sheds a different light on the nature of domestic violence doesn’t it?

Billy; Well that’s why society prejudges it. Because they all think it was the victim’s fault in the first place. Yet here we are, hearing about a rich, daddy’s little angel, who was one abusing her husband, the employer and the girl – Eve, who she used as a scapegoat to continue on with her illicit life, and she gets off scott free!! Whereas, in a generalised society, its the the poor, poverty stricken girl, who endures punch after punch, for being loyal to one man, and then suffers the shame off the public, blaming her for enduring it!!! Yet the wealthy loyal man, has to suffer the same level of abuse, from his wife!

Julie; Cuts both ways! Only on different levels?

Sara; Yeah… How fucked up society is?

Julie; Prejudiced you mean? Most people judge by saying the victim deserved it for being too submissive, for sticking around, yet the mistress and her antics go underground! I bet her husband is one of the nice guys that wouldn’t entertain abusing women, cos he’s the one being abused! Jeez Billy, your right, I do need the bloody brandy now!

Sara; If the truth be known, it’s the probably the mistresses saying those things about their fellow women!

Julie; Well Bob Marley write and sing. the song…. NO woman no cry!

Chrystal; Ooh….. Oh,, er…. hmmm..

Sara; Holy shit, has is started!!!

Chrystal; Oooohh… I think my waters have broke!

Sara; Julie; Billy; Yaaay….

Billy; It worked…. The shock tactic ahs burst the pipes….

Julie; Where’s the old man Chrystal.

Chrystal; I’m calling him now.

Sara; Have a bath honey, ease up the back pain…. It’s gonna be a long night!!

Julie; Go on GF, you get off line and go deliver that baby.


Boys will be Boys!

Sara; Help girls help…. I’m about to eat a bottle of Prozac! Help anyone!

Julie; Oh no your not, get the ice cream out!’

Sara; kids are driving me mad… which is nothing out of the ordinary. Oh god, what a bloody day I’ve had… Micheal’s now running through a new play he’s written for the operatic society. He’s had the boys rehearsing! OMG, what a spectacle it all is.

Julie; Ok, I’m sending out an urgent ‘Whine o clock alert’ the girls. Log in to Skype!

Sara; Hi girls, Sara raises her wine glass!

The group all exchanged their pleasantries and settled in front of their computer screen for the weekly group chat.

Sara: ‘My lads as you know are both chalk and cheese. For twins you’d of thought they would be best of buddies!’

Billy: I love hearing about the antics of your boys!

Chrystal: Me too! Believe it or not. Our weekly chats about kids, the ole man, family conflicts and sex. Their incredibly educational!

Billy; You getting any twinges yet!

Chrystal; No

Billy; Tonight might be the night!

Julie: ‘C’mon sweetheart. It’s your turn this time to offload. What’s happened! Something’s rattled your cage?’

Sara: ‘I’m stressed out!……Well you know Luke is outspoken and direct….Micheal gave him the role of the devil. Mark is playing the of religious figure, like Jesus or Buddha! It’s about opposites?’

Chrystal I love your Micheal and the way he involves himself with the boys.

Sara: ‘Micheal was recording the acting as the boys went off on a tandem and started improvising. Honestly, Micheal’s face was a picture. He was totally mesmerised with how the boys adapted the scripts to their personalites. Micheal can’t stop praising them…..I’m living in a friggin mad house! No wonder I’m losing my sanity…. Gonna start eating Prozac like smarties at this rate!…. I want to scream!….. pray for me girls, pray for me!

Billy; I’m on my knees for ya GF!

Sara; Quick intro – Mark and Luke are both rehearsing and practicing dramatics. Their roles are opposites (no change there) God and Satan, the script is a father to son talk. According to Michael, he wanted to expand the lads imaginations and how they view the relationship between father to son, in the vain hope that it might actually help,the lads bond a bit better, so he gave them some pointers to start……..God told Satan…. They’re really serious so listen in and concentrate, ok? Sara whispered.

Luke: Humans don’t understand free will….anyway. It’s foolproof father. Only a fool will follow my traps. It’s genius, just like me… they will continually chase after their own tail!If their hearts are pure they will find you, that I know. I cannot compete with free will… People will have a choice to say no!…..I can compete with the ego. My plan Is designed to force the human species to believe in their EGO. to ensure they are obedient they will idolise MMEEEEEE! They will demonstrate their love and devotion to me. Through the worshipping of all my false idols. Greed, vanity…and the all pervading lust….. Ha ah ha!

Mark: Yes child, I can certainly see that….. There are many fools following the path to self righteousness, those that choose righteousness are yours to tempt, just remember… Not ALL My children are your fools… Dear child. No matter what temptations you offer to my children. They will refuse all temptations, they will know where I am and how to find me.

Luke: Not this time Father. Humans are becoming more greedy and omnipotent everyday. They believe in their self righteousness. Their ego rules and there I will sit with them. Ruling the body forever! Muwahahaha. It’s my favourite trap.  I will be king of their world! And the best part is, they won’t see me! Haha. They won’t believe it either. I’m going to poison them. I will claim every child born, until he who has the faith and conviction to stand up to me, he will forever be my SLAVE!!!! …..I will maim their internal drive and lock it into a cage. Where you reside! So YOU can keep them company…..  Maahhhahahaha….I will test them….. And punish them….And beat on them….. I will rape women and children….. I will force the woeful and weak to work and slave for the wicked…. I will make celebrities out of villains and villains out of celebrities…. To dupe the stupid ones…. I will make heroes out of abusers and abusers into heroes….. I will tempt the human with romance and fairy tales of what love isn’t!…… And, I will call my masterpiece of creation. – Dependency – To my sins! Mwahahaha……. oh wow, I am the ultimate genius!! That’s why I’M the favourite!!

Mark: No matter how fierce the flames of your anger.  No matter how poisonous the food you tempt them…. No matter how sharp the blade that cuts their heart. They will still find me. They will find out how to access me without effort or teaching….. They will find the jewels in the sky and the fountain of youth that flows in the ground….They will be blessed and honoured for their strength, and their spirit, for their commitment and dedication to serve. Their gifts will grow, through service and compassion… My children will see though all of your false idols Satan….. My children will see past all the digital programming, they  will conquer your deception as their hearts will be true. They will find the truth in their hearts…….They do have integrity!

Luke: Do they? Pfft….. Not after I’ve destroyed them they won’t. They’ll demonstrate classic ignorance and arrogance… They’ll be my new species of the Arrogant Intelligence…. the new human species, AI. They will strike themselves with the sword they try to strike at me with…. These humans are ignorant, arrogant, self righteous and self absorbed. They won’t have time to develop anything in their hearts…. They will be too busy seeking out everything outside of themselves to even stop and think of YOU! They won’t see the duality trap – they will fully depend on MEEEEEEE.

I will rule earth…. My seven sins will be the death of everyone. And karma will be their consequences. The ignorant will learn through their ignorance….. Mwahhhhhaaahhhahaaa….. the arrogant will learn, through their ego of self righteousness….. Sloth – I will make people dependent on the television, and emotional approvals. Selfish to their own ego… They will lose their good skills and vegetate in front of my TV…… Parents will willingly deliver their children to me and my foods designed to kill them….Vanity – my favourite. I will add poison in all diet food and drinks. They will then depend on my doctors for relief of their suffering. In despair they will give up the journey to greet you and they will be so self absorbed in their body image, that they will ALL forget you…. Through their own vanity and self obsession, I will devour their souls……. Greed – Money. What more can I say. The human LOVES money. I can BUY anyone and anything. Everybody has a price……. Gluttony – I will have them eating. Sugar and meat….. Oh the ignorance….. people will have double standards as I split their minds and devour their soul. I will encourage fast foods to keep the young children eating the poisonous foods…. I will hide in the drugs that stupid parents will so willingly accept…. I will be legal and illegal. Such ignorance of their own body they will reach out for more drugs to help relieve their emotional pain….. Pride – I will ensure arrogance and self righteousness with all their egoic achievements….. The ignorant fool cannot swallow his pride….. Wrath – I will rage down on the people. They will FEEL MY WRATH and MY BLOOD in their body as the fires of hell light their soul……  Lust – the one that will claim the hearts of all men and women….. I will sexualise the community to aspire to false worshiping of my idols…. These humans will copulate with ANYTHING when I’ve finished with them. That’s how pathetic they are!

Mark: My children will see past your false idols of material possessions. They will see past you traps…. They will discover their god powers of mine, they will rise against you…. You’re the one who is deluded to state that humans think this way!

Luke: I will stamp them with a number. Where they will work and slave for me….. these children will be MY BEASTS……. They’re MINE now. Mwahahaha!!!!

Mark: The path of life is littered with false idols and false traps….. Any human that harms another will suffer their own consequences….. It’s a chain reaction, its karma…. It’s universal law, it cannot be changed. Humans know this and they will see through your trap!

Luke: But they’re stupid father. They can’t think for themselves!…. They depend on being TOLD what to do! They have to be TOLD how to behave….. They have to be TOLD TO THINK the way I think. They LIKE being told…… And those who refuse to be told what to do will be persecuted by the community they live….. The community will turn against you and they will turn against each other. They will blame you for not being there….. They will blame everything and everyone, to clearly demonstrate their lack of responsibility to themselves and to your presence…… They will Learn my way…… That’s how I will infiltrate the human species and destroy it.………. nobody is safe from meeeeee!

Sara; See what I mean!

Julie; I take it back, eat the fucking prozac!!!

Billy: Oh my god, that was amazing. I thought it was brilliant. They really get into it don’t they? …… You wanna get your lad on the casting couch. Hollywood needs another batman, since the dark Knight popped it!

Julie: Holy shit, you poor sod! One of them is heading towards a padded cell and the other is heading for the metal one! Babe, crack open the brandy, you need a stiff one.

Sara: I think I’m the one whose gonna end up in the padded cell. No wonder the ABC charts were a bloody  farce.

Julie; That’s because Michael didn’t make them theatrical enough!!

Chrystal: Oh my! I’m fanning myself.

Billy; Any twinges!!!!

Chrystal; NO.

Billy; FFS!!!!

Sara; We’re bloody tryin!!

Julie: Sod the wine darlin… hit the hard stuff! You got one lad heading for borstal and the other one heading for Broadmoor! You poor sod! An I thought my Josh my bloody Bad!

Sara: See…. this is what happens when you marry a theatrical man, the kids follow suit!!!

Billy; I know… What great entertainment you got in your house!

Chrystal: Let Micheal deal with it. Fill up your glass honey. We’re here to help pick you up… Sod the pills, grab your wine and slug it sweetheart! I’m hitting the guiness!

Billy; Oh Chrystal you bad ass mama to be!

Sara: Don’t know what I’d do if your girls weren’t in my life!

Julie: Don’t cry… don’t cry…. don’t you dare fucking cry…. we’ll get you pissed and back to yourself….  That’s what friends are for!

Billy: I thought it was a great analogy of duality actually. It really demonstrates how we’re a combination of both good and bad!

Chrystal: Yeah, I wish some of my kids at school were that smart too! I have to face off all types of picky parents.

Sara; Chrystal, the kids in your class are five?

Chrystal; I know, but they do come up with some real corkers!!

Julie: Spill the beans babe, c’mon…. tell us what we’re like?

Chrystal; One of the mums in my class is a bit of a stiff. Little Johnna has crohn’s disease and her diet is special, just like Joanna! Her words, so she gives me this list at the beginning of term that’s got a list of does and don’ts.

Julie: Ooh this is good. What’s on it!

Chrystal: Well before I left for maternity leave, this one mum wants me to write her a list of all the kids in the class that were vegetarian or vegan. It was Important because she’s having a party for little Joanna and only wants to invite the select few! She says it’s to encourage social relationships and to build friendships!

I handed her the slip back and said just invite anyone, the kids in this class aren’t fussy about what food is served. In fact, they’re not actually interested in the food, they just want to play!

She said ‘you’re missing the point! I don’t want my Joanna to build friendships with carnivores or cannibals. They will eventually tempt her to the dark side and I want the best for my Joanna. It’s my duty as a mother to ensure she is nurtured correctly. She must only associate with other vegetarian, vegan preferably, but vegetarian is acceptable, children to be invited.’ I was taken aback! I just thought it wasn’t healthy for a parent to teach their child to be selective and prejudiced like that!

She was proper snobby an all!! Anyway, I said, what kind of mother restricts her child from friendship, exploration and adventure! Children know no boundaries they’re taught to become egotistical and self righteous by their parents! Controlling who your daughter can or can’t play with indicates that as a mother, your child will end up with mental health problems before they reach puberty!

She looked like I slapped her bloody face. Her jaw dropped to the floor and then she eyeballs my growing bump and comments. I see your expecting, I only hope that during or after your labour you will appreciate the responsibility that it takes to be a mother! I’m going to be speaking with the head mistress about your behaviour. Disgraceful and totally unprofessional!

Billy; The mother is doing the right thing, the wrong way round?

Chrystal; Yeah, and the way she handled it was also over the top!

Julie: No way, snotty cow! What did the head mistress do after you were reported!!

Sara; Poor Joanna! I feel for the child. I can already see her now, in the Mental health clinic?

Julie; Hey don’t knock it kid, it’s all business!

Billy; Haha! You mad un!

Chrystal: Oh Francis, she just calmed her down and said it was my ‘pregnancy hormones!’ She also said that the school wasn’t in a position to carry out such a request and she would need to speak with the parents herself, in the playground!

Julie; Bet she weren’t happy about that!

Billy: Beautiful answer though. I’m tickled at how some of these parents behave. Is it any wonder their kids grow up with issues!

Julie: Yeah, what a total contrast to our lot…. At least they’re not as bad as us…. I was forever getting called in to the school because the kids were bullied!

Sara: I don’t feel so bad now!

Julie; Oh that’s good. I remember when I went into the school with Josh and that padded bloody cell! FFS, if its not the fucking stupid parents its the bloody schools! you cant friggin win!!!

Chrystal; What do you mean?

Julie; Oh don’t take it personal Chrystal. It’s not a jab! With Josh an his Autism!!!! He was bullied by the other kids because, well he just didn’t like them! Who can blame him hey, I mean, my boys special! Anyway, the school start this new thing, and at the time I didn’t really understand what it was for, but when I found out about the ‘quiet room’ was actually a padded bloody cell, I just went bloody mental!

Sara; Oh I know what your on about, they’ve got one of them for Luke!! The quiet, padded cell!! Mark never has any bother with it though!

Billy; That’s cos he’s the quiet one!

Julie: I know! When I saw it I was like, oh for fucks sake.. Julie, close the door and bang the walls, you’ll feel much better!

Sara; Did ya?

Julie; Yeah, I bloody had to! No wonder I’m going friggin crackers. It’s the bleedin schools doin it to me!!! If it’s not the kids driving me up the wall, it’s the school and their out dated methods? So, after I had a bash on the walls of this makeshift ‘prison cell!’ I thought to myself, Oh Jesus bloody help me!! Off I marched, like a bitch on heat! I flung the door to the head’s office open, honest to god, you knew I was there, cos the papers in the room start swirlin like a storm! I sits down, the headmaster looks at me, disgusted! I ignored the smacked arse look on his face, ‘So, what’s all this padded cell about then!’

The head goes, ‘well its a quite calm room, to help the children settle down, when they get a little agitated!’ My face says a thousand words, eyebrows go up, jaw drops, the eyeballs pop out and I go ‘Agitated….. Explain, explain.’ He starts to get a bit anxious, he stuttering at me at this point, I’m like, yeah mister, bloody stutter, I’ve only just started buddy. Anyways, he then manages to finally cough out a few words, sweat beading his bloody brow now! I thought, right you son of a bitch, I got you now. I goes to him ‘continue.. come on, I wanna hear this! I reposition myself in my seat, like I’m ready to hear the most spell bounding bloody speech, then he adjusts his glasses. I thought, Right you fucker, you’re panicking now, I’m gonna give you some more to panic about. Remember girls, I was right pissed off about this frigging room they call quiet!! pfft, d’you know, it was about 2 x 2 square feet, with a friggin bean bag?? What’s fucking quiet about that!

Grrr, I maintained my cool, even though I was about to pounce. My claws were OUT!! And he goes. ‘Well Mrs..’ I put my hand up at this point to cut him off and said, cut the small talk, what’s it for?? He goes ‘It’s to help the children learn to control their behaviour! At this point, my eyeballs are almost poppin out my head, my jaw was like, that wide my teeth are on show, and that’s it, I’m going in for the kill! I said, ‘Hold on a minute. What you’re telling me is, the ‘Quiet room’ is a get out clause for isolating children who are trying to say the teaching is shit! That ain’t no quiet room buddy, It’s a bloody prison cell. Talk about training them into learnt behaviour! What you’re actually teaching these kids, is to trade one prison cell, for  a bloody nother!!! Don’t you be sending my Josh to that room. Sort your teaching method out, and stop punishing the kids for trying to SPEAK!!!!! Argh, I tell you, I was PISSED OFF. Storm… storm, urg, I gave him a bloody storm alright.

Billy; Oh I think you got the crown on that one.

Julie; I know I’ve got the bloody crown, cheeky bastard! Oh my god, just remembering it  now. Pissed me off big time. The only thing missing was the bleeding padding? FFS!! Whose bloody training these places? I got up and as I left I goes, If I find out you’ve been sending my son to THAT padded cell, they’ll be HELL to pay Do you hear me! Then I marched out, turned round and gave him the eyeball glare, tutting I said, ‘padded cell, pfft, no wonder the prison service is in a shambles, your god damn training em too young! Jesus Christ, what a bloody farce! Behaviour Mr French, Behaviour….. Stop isolating them and treating them like criminals and ‘communicate!’ then the whole planet might start to get along like we’re supposed to.

I was right on my high horse, marching out the school, every door I opened smacked against the plaster, making a dent. Ooh I tell ya, I made my mark that day. Padded bloody cell!!

Chrystal, Oh girls I’m howling, I think it’s starting!

Sara; Oh yes…. It’s working…. C’mon girls, what else we got….. lets break them waters tonight!!

Julie: That’s the spirit girl. How many glasses you had now!

Sara: Last dregs from the bottle.

Julie; Ooh, hit the baileys, I am!

Billy: Anyone fancy a sing song!

Chrystal: I am what I am!

Julie; Whatever floats your boat babe. We gonna get that baby out if its frigging kills us!!

All four song in chorus: I am what I am I, am my own special creation….come take a look give the hook, or the OVATION!!!


Shit, Shit, it’s all about shit!!!

Sara; Shit…. that’s my catchphrase right now…shit

SHIT….. I wish everyone wouls stop getting so uptight about the word shit! And stop giving a shit…. Stop giving a shit what people think about you…. Just stop letting other peoples shit, get to you…. that’s crazy shit…. What other people think about you, is their business.. What you think about you is YOUR business….That’s the crazy thing about shit… People get offended when you say shit, people get aggressive if you say shit, people even cry when you say shit… Its all about shit these days aint it.

Billy; Aint life shit! When people say shit. Cos oh my god, nobody ever says the word shit, they like to call other people out on their shit, but they would never say shit themselves. They like to hide their shit, put up fake shit. but nobody ever says shit. Only, you can be punished for your shit, and that’s why its all shit! That’s why misery loves shit! Misery loves shit, to be in shit, to throw shit out, but can’t take shit back!

Julie; Yeah I know… People are going through their own shit, yet you still can’t say shit without getting punished for shit… It all about shit, shit and more shit!! Life, they complain is shit! Their job is shit! Their relationship is shit! The service they receive is shit… It just goes to show that everyone doesn’t really want to get on with their own shit, instead they like to throw shit, give out more shit. Its really all their own shit they’re handing out, they just can’t see the smokescreen mirror when dishing out their shit!

It’s all bullshit really, when you think about it? Bullshit is life’s mirrored shit, and the smokescreen, still throws up shit! Only, the one who throws the shit, can’t smell it, taste it, touch it, feel it or even see it!

Chrystal; Abbreviate shit…. Start Saying -I don’t give a shit. abbreviate it. DGAS, the new term for dealing with shit is to not give a shit!!! When you stop dealing with shit, shit stops happening! that’s the funny thing about shit?

Billy; I like the DGAS bit. My kids use all that, you know those phrases they use, BRB – be right back? I’m gonna start saying that when

Chrystal; Tigger started it in winnie the pooh. TTFN, ta ta for now!

Sara; Wish I knew that DGAS phrase a couple of days ago. I keep clipping car wing mirrors when I’m driving, do any of you lot do that?

Billy; I do, but its usually when a there’s someone driving at me on the opposite side, usually a van! Those men rarely give way. Why?

Sara; Well, I parked up down the road from the school, turned off the engine, I get this tap tap on the window, this woman with her arms folded under her bosom is standing there scowling at me. I wind it down, smile and say hi. She don’t crack her face, she eyeballs me and goes ‘you’ve just hit the wing mirror of my car!’ I apologised to her, said sorry. And she carry’s, going, ‘you’ve clipped my car!’ I goes, ‘yeah you just said that, is there any damage!’ She goes ‘no, and that’s not the point. There could of been!’

I’m like, rolling my eyes at this point, I thought to myself, does she wanna start a fight or what! There’s no bloody damage to the car, yet she knocks on my window just to TELL me I’ve clipped her bloody wing mirror. ‘I get sarcastic at this point and I said, ‘Are you hurt!
She said no, an I goes ‘So what you moaning for!’ An she goes, ‘I just wanted to tell you!’

I went, well now you’ve told me! She then carry’s on trying to tell me off, like I’m her kid! And then as she goes to walk off she says, ‘just be more careful’ so,e people like causing shit these days!

Then a couple of days later, I do it again. By accident, I was driving down the road and you know when those men in big bloody transit vans come and try and push you off the road! Ugh, I ended up clipping the car that was roadside. I stopped and pushed my wing mirror back out and carried on with my day.

Then later in the week, It happened again, only this time, it was a bloke. I thought to myself, here we bloody go, FFS Sara, will you ever learn! So he gets out his car, comes stomping over like a silver back ape! Face like he’s chewing a bloody wasp! I thought for frig sake, can today get any worse. I’m readying myself for a bollocking, off the silverback ape!! It’s bloody obvious looking at his slapped arse face. And he says the same thing! I thought to myself, Oh shit, here we go again.

Anyway, I said sorry, but he felt it was his ‘right’ to read me mine! And give me a bleeding rollicking! I was pissed of at this point an I thought, oh no you don’t buddy! I went, ‘is there any damage,’ he said no. But he wouldn’t leave it, I snapped and goes, look mate, it’s only a car. Nobody’s hurt! He felt at this point that he had to tell me all about how important his car is to him, cos he’s got arthritis and he NEEDS his car to get to hospital appointments! Motorists like me on the road should take more care with their driving.

I eyeball stared at him and said – is it broken? He said no! Then I asked him if he was hurt and he goes, no! At this point I though FFS! I scoffed back at him, ‘oh, by the way I’m ok mate, I’m not hurt anywhere, thanks for asking!’ He went, pardon, ‘but you’re the one who is at fault here! And you should be more considerate!’ Oh my god, that was it, I gave him hell for leather, I goes, excuse me buddy but I’ve got a disability too. It’s called dyspraxia. And when my kids were in their buggy, I took the skin off many ankles! I’ve upgraded since then, and now I’M on the road too! So be thankful it was only your wing mirror. For Christ sake. You people only see your OWN disability don’t you? Do you ever spare a thought for other people? Mm, or are you the only person in ther world that everybody has to bow down to? I’m getting better with my spatial skills! And I’m getting pissed off with miserable bastards like you, complaining about my disability. Just cos you can’t see anything, doesn’t mean it’s not there. Have some consideration for disabled people you say? I’m disabled too you know!! So where’s my apology?

His shuts up and goes to walk off, I’m putting my shades back on, shaking my head. Honestly, people care more about things than they care about people. Is it me, Is it me girls!

Julie; You let him have a bit of MIAW, and no honey, its not you!

Sara; What’s wrong with everyone these days. These people couldn’t give a flying fuck about real things, they’re either too bloody nosy and think it’s their right to come and scold you, or their frothing at the mouth because their wing mirror flapped in! It’s only a piece of tin! It’s not like he was was dying or anything!

Julie; Some people! They just like getting on their high horse don’t they!

Chrystal; A bit like us! lol.

Julie; We’re not that bad!…. Are we?

Sara; Yeah, while they’re sitting at home watching telly all day. Thinking up ways to piss of the working citizens, who are incidentally keeping them in comfort? Gggrrrrr.

Billy; That’s the ignorance of the arrogant I’m afraid.

Julie; Any twinges yet Chrystal?

Chrystal; No, I feel rather swollen and fat though!

Julie; Mystic meg, look into your Chrystal ball and tell us when this baby is making an entrance?

Billy; It’ll be next week sometime!

Julie; A few more days chick, and you’ll be wishing you stayed a virgin. Wait till your dilated past five centimetres, ouch. I can remember the pain like yesterday, can you Sara, Billy!

Sara; Oh yes, I think it prepares you for anthing, labour pain!

Chrystal; I just want baby out now. There’s so much you can’t do with a bump in the way can you. Like shave your legs properly?

Sara; Oh don’t worry about that, I need a chainsaw every summer to get my leags beach ready!

Julie; Haha, and me. I only do the ankle to knee in the winter. But holiday legs take more work, lol!

Billy; What about the landing strip Chrystal, have you managed to trim it?

Chrystal; I had it waxed about a month ago, my sister in law came round to pamper me, ready for delivery! So it’s neat for delivery?

Julie; Aw, nice sister in law, has she had a baby herself?

Chrystal; No

Julie; That’s why then!