Julie Billy and Sara all march into the delivery room to visit new mum – Chrystal.
Chrystal is holding her new baby boy in her arms, the three women all look over and coo at his cuteness.
Billy; You must be knackered, how long was the labour!
Chrystal; Ten hours and 52 minutes!
Sara; Cor that was good going! My labour was seventeen hours!
Billy, I was 39 hours with my eldest?
Julie; Me an all, and then I got whisked into theatre. After going through all that pain too!!
Chrystal; Well the breathing exercises helped, but I got to be honest, I needed the gas and air!
Billy; It’s good stuff ain’t it?
Julie; Oh don’t Billy, you’ll make me broody again?
Sara; Ha ha. What about pethidine, did you have any of that?
Chrystal; No. Gas and air was enough for me. OMG, the last half an hour was absolute agony?
Billy; The pushing. I know…. It’s like passing a melon out of pin hole? Total agony. But worth it hey!
Chrystal; Yeah, he’s such a good baby too!
Julie; Well he’s had gas and air too, so he might still be a little sleepy. Wait at least a couple of days!
Billy; Yeah Julie’s right. New babies are usually sleepy and quiet until about 72 hours post birth, then the screams and night feeds start to wear you down!
Chrystal: I don’t care how much he keeps me awake. I love him to the moon and back. Look at him he’s just gorgeous.
Julie; Yeah, he is a cutie. Can see he’s got his dads eyes!
Sara; Anyway, we’ve chipped in and bought you a present!
Julie lifts up a small suitcase and places it at the bottom of the bed.
Julie; We’ve bought you a baby hamper… Hope you like it… It’s for the modern day millennial!
Sara; Yeah, we had a meeting, with infection control. And we came up with the most environmentally friendly, infection protective, baby changing basket there could ever be on the market. Here’s our baby basket.
Sara opens the case and pulls out a spit guard, overalls, latex gloves and alcohol gel!
Chrystal frowns and looks closer: WTF?
Julie; Well, the spit guard is for protecting your face during nappy change, especially as he’s a boy. The spray can go everywhere…
Billy; Even in the mouth?
Julie; So face protection was considered here as the safest method to change baby?
Billy; And keep you dry!!!
Sara; The latex gloves and overalls to protect your clothing… I mean, god only knows how far these clever little bambino’s can direct a stream of water. And, when you’re in a restaurant, a change of clothes isn’t an option. You’ve already traded your nice Gucci bag for a suitcase, and there’s no room in that suitcase for any clean clothing for you… So the overalls are more compact and environmental friendly!
Julie; Alcohol gel for after the change, as the gloves get in the way. The baby wipes can have a slippery effect, and with all those creams that you have to apply!! So taking off the gloves once you’ve disposed of the excrement, is wise. That’s where the alcohol gel comes in handy!
Chrystal; Oh girls you shouldn’t have.
Sara; We’ve even managed to get you a new suitcase, for carrying the baby essentials around too!!!!
Billy; This is twenty first century, we got to keep up with infection control now honey. Gone are the days where the washing line was full of white terry cotton squares. Although, in those days, I think they had more savvy about the environment than the plastic nappies used today. But, you know what, we don’t make the rules for society!!
Julie; Oh I know, you’re right Billy. The terry nappies are the environmentally friendly, but its impossible in todays culture! With working all week, women don’t have the opportunity to wash nappies with more than one child in the house? You have to entertain the toddler, who needs loads of attention, so convenience does have its assets!
Chrystal; Oh girls you shouldn’t have! (Sarcasm)
Billy; You can thank us when you’re having coffee at Starbucks with the mother in law! She’ll be impressed at how prepared you are!!
Chrystal; Yeah, as long as it doesn’t frighten her off! And that spit guard, wow!
Julie; You can get one up on little Joanna’s mother now, and tell her that you are taking motherhood seriously! She’ll be pissed off she never thought of it first!
They all laugh.
Julie; What name are you giving the little champ?
Chrystal; Well I like Charlie, Archie and Louis… So we’re wrestling with which one at the minute?
Julie; Well that’s nice and sensible. Not like these stupid names some people come up with.
Chrystal; OMG I know. That reminds me…. I remember one child at the school was called L-A. Her mother was furious… She came marching into school and pulled up the teacher in the morning, complained that her child wasn’t being called by her correct name?
Julie; Hey, what do you mean.
Chrystal: Well at the school we were pronouncing her as Lia or Leah.
Billy; So what were you saying wrong then?
Chrystal: She was supposed to be called L dash A. Pronounced and we were calling her Lea? Ldashah? And we were calling her Lea?
Sara; You’re joking?
Chrystal; No. deadly serious!
Julie; OMG what is this world coming too?
Billy: That’s nothing. On one of the birthday parties I threw when one of the kids were small. There was this one child in the class called DKNY. I remember pronouncing Dinky and her mother flipped too!!
Billy; Seriously. DKNY?? It beggars belief doesn’t it?
Sara: Yeah. Either their stupid or taking the piss out of parenthood?
Julie; The former sounds most accurate, but these days, you never can tell a piss take from a seriously stupid twat?
Sara; Now I don’t feel so guilty for my obnoxious Gob.
Julie; Nor me? Or my Gob!!
Billy; Can we get you a coffee or anything from the shop Chrystal.
Chrystal; Oh yes please, toffee latte…. I’ve soooo missed my Latte?
Billy; Coming right up. Me and Julie will go and gets the drinks in.
Julie; Yeah and on Friday it’s wine all the way kiddo. I bet you’ve missed that too hey?
Chrystal: Oh don’t tease me just yet. I’m gonna start salivating for a large rose.
Julie and Billy get Coffee’s. Julie notices a familiar couple in the newsagent stand.
Julie; Oh my god, I remember that couple? She points over to the middle aged couple standing at the counter.
Billy; What about them?
Julie; Well you know me, nosy impulsive cow that I am? Sometimes?
Billy; No. Not sometimes! (Sarcasm)
Julie; Ok, lots of times then. I’m not admitting to all the time!
Billy; Ok that’s a fair admittance?
Julie; Anyway….. I was working as a student, taking a patient from rehab, to A&E department, it was busy, as usual. In the cubicle next to us, was a couple, the husband had hurt his knee. I couldn’t help but listen to their fascinating conversation. The husband revealed that they were having intimate action in the bathroom.
Julie; Mmhmm. Anyway, he slipped and fell, in the shower, pulled a ligament in his knee. My nosy cow ears pinged up as I listened to them. The wife was not entertaining her husbands moaning and she goes –
‘Oh Stop whining now, you insisted on sex in the shower. If you didn’t use the shower gel, you wouldn’t of slipped!’ She tutted, ‘you won’t do that again will you hmm?’ She scolded her husband.
‘Mm, maybe if I put a lock plug on the the ceiling, you could dangle down in the straps, that would hold your weight a bit better and….’
‘Oh really. You planning on staying celibate! Hold my weight! Pfft! Cheeky bastard?’
Billy; Sounds like a woman after my own heart?
Julie, haha, Anyway. I couldn’t help but smile, then I wondered about their safety. My impulsive self couldn’t sit any longer, I pulled back the curtain and burst through their conversation and I goes… ‘Sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing. I know what your thinking,’ I said as I looked directly at the husband, ‘I am too. No I’m not thinking that, no not like that… I mean for safety, you need Grab rails?’
‘Excuse me!’ the wife cried, staring at me like I was a bull.
The husband stopped her and goes, ‘Sheila ssh. Carry on,’ he said, eagerly awaiting my response.
I announced I was OT and intervened. ‘I overheard you mention a hanging clip. Grab rails would be so much safer. You want them about waist height, it will give both of you something to grip in the slippy, soapy water! especially now you’ve hurt your knee, it’ll be weaker to stand on next time you play mums and dads, and, you might damage your knee even more?’
The wife blushed and the husband grinned. ‘Tell me more. I like your idea about the clip in the ceiling, although safety is a risk again? I don’t want to damage the knee anymore’
I goes, Yeah but it’s possible, make sure to attach the hook to the ceiling joist, that way the ceiling won’t come down?
His wife’s face was a picture, her mouth gaped and her eyes widened. ‘A mobile hoist, will hold you up in the air safely.’ I winked at his wife, ‘Don’t bother with the little toys, bring in the big ones, have fun in the bedroom? Get a hoist and suspend yourself in safety anywhere in the house?’
‘A hoist, aren’t they for disabled people?’ The wife asked curiously, I could see she was warming to my sudden impulsive burst of advice.
‘Sorry about bursting in like that, I just noticed the risks and wanted to help!’
‘It was the best interfering, impulsive advice I’ve ever had. Thanks.’ Husband smiled.’you can burst in anytime for me, thank you for the tips.’ He was happy as a pig in muck. the smile on his face was a picture. The wife warmed up a bit too. I think she was a bit embarrassed that I interrupted.
Billy; Aint that typically you?